Having kids is beautiful, difficult and, at times, hilarious—if you keep your sense of humor handy.

12 Truths of raising kids:

1. Everything is “mine” to a toddler, except the huge messes they make.

Then they just stare like it’s something they’ve never seen before.

2. Parents are destined to repeat themselves for all eternity.

Except for cuss words. Kids listen and repeat those immediately.

3. Your parenting ideals will change.

My goals for my kids before I had them: teach them Spanish, only use positive reinforcement, never yell.

After: Get them to put on pants.

4. The rewards and challenges are unparalleled.

My kids are the cutest, sweetest assholes I know.

5. You’re expectations will lower, especially on the weekends when all you want to do is relax.

Lower.

Lower.

Looower.

Yes. Right there.

6. You’ll continually reach new levels of parenting.

Like when I understood why my dad called my sister and me “you people.”

7. Your coffee will never be strong enough.

For instance, I received a “may your coffee be stronger than your toddler” mug as a gift and, as it turns out, it should have come with a matching flask.

8. You’ll have empathy like never before.

Sometimes the only thing that gets me through a day is knowing that, clearly, it’s harder to be 2 than a 2-year-old’s mom, judging by her tantrums.

9. And you’ll experience love like never before.

Every. Single. Day. I think about how I love my kids so, so much they can’t even fathom it and I have to get away from them for at least 5 minutes or I’ll legit go insane.

10. You’ll communicate differently with your spouse.

Like when I say “Be right back.” But I actually mean “I’ll stay in the bathroom until I get hemorrhoids or our toddler stops screaming.” You know, whichever’s first.

11. You’ll become fiercely protective.

I love my kids so much that they have no idea what circus peanuts taste like.

12. You’ll never finish a thought.

Just now, my toddler crawled into my lap and said “I love you,” so, yeah, I totally forgot my joke.

The post 12 Hilarious Truths of Raising Kids. first appeared on Jennifer S. White.

Recently my toddler turned 2 years old. Like many parents, I feel I’ve learned more from watching my kids grow up than they’ve learned from me.

Here are 35 pieces of wisdom I learned from my toddler, all in one day:

1. Crying really does work better than screaming. But scream first anyways.

2. Fruit snacks are the best choice at any time of day.

3. When you’re overheated, just take off your clothes. (It doesn’t matter where you are. See above picture, not taken at home.)

4. Seat belts are uncomfortably tight, but we have to wear them anyways. Regardless, make sure you yell in the car about your seat belt being too tight.

5. Car rides are too bumpy. Make sure Mom knows.

6. It’s impossible to walk by a grate in a parking lot and not jump on it.

7. Always choose the one with sequins.

8. Forgiving and making up after a fight doesn’t have to be hard. Just kiss and snuggle and say, “I’m sorry.”

9. It’s important to communicate our needs. When we can’t, the next best thing is to toss yourself on the floor and cry.

10. Mommy is a fruit snacks dispenser. Or at least she should be.

11. A big sister is the best. Except for when I want to play with every single one of her favorite toys and she actually wants one for herself.

12. I don’t have to kiss or hug anyone I don’t want to.

13. Candy from strangers is only OK on Halloween, even though that’s still kind of confusing.

14. Adding 750 different grains to a bread makes it both healthier and more disgusting.

15. Tissues are actually for fingertips.

16. The best place to sneeze is on Mom’s face.

17. As for throwing up: always choose the softest place to puke. Examples in order of preference, from least acceptable to most: bowl, carpet, Mom’s hands.

18. Experiment with which feet you like your shoes on. Stay strong in your choice no matter what.

19. Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wet grass even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.

20. Tutus go with everything. Everything. Everything.

21. Dad’s the sucker. Go to him first, and then again after Mom says “no.”

22. Don’t let a single day go by without the people you love most knowing it. Or without screaming at them for no real reason either.

23. Encourage Mom to shop at stores that give you stickers.

24. Every day is a new start—and a new opportunity to ask for fruit snacks for breakfast.

25. The secret to making sure Mom stays off her phone and plays with you is to consistently cry loudly whenever she makes a phone call.

26. When your parents kiss, they like it if you stand right between their legs.

27. Restaurants are so much fun. I don’t know why Mom and Dad don’t take me out to eat more.

28. For some reason, Mom always needs company when she goes to the bathroom.

29. The best things in life are free—hugs, spending time with my family, going outside. So I don’t know why Daddy has to leave and go to work every day.

30. Fix everything with tape. Lots of it. Like, lots. (And when Mom says the tape is broken, ask her for tape.)

31. Trying new things is fun. Unless the “new thing” is a vegetable.

32. Don’t ask Mom where hot dogs really come from.

33. Making people laugh is awesome. If someone does think you’re funny, do whatever made them laugh 10 more times.

34. Poop goes in the potty. And in the bathtub.

35. My family is the best. I love them so much. They love me so much. They make every day worth getting up for. At 6 in the morning, even on weekends.

The post 35 Life Lessons From a Toddler. first appeared on Jennifer S. White.

Here’s a random list of things my two children, ages almost six and going on two, have said this morning, and it’s not even nine o’clock:

1. “I want a different shirt.” (Heard three times, not including initial change from pajamas to clothes.)

2. “What’s that sound?” (Heard twelve times, including when a bug hit the window and once when I picked a wedgie and my underwear snapped.)

3. “I want ice cream.”

4. “Why do you wear underwear?”

5. “Ewww. Icky.” (Heard repeatedly when told the sound was a bug hitting the window.)

6. “Why do you have to mow the grass?”

7. “I like SpongeBob.” (Author’s note: Me too, kid. Me too. It’s that Caillou we don’t agree on.)

8. “I want a napkin.”

9. “That’s sticky.”

10. “That’s sticky.” (You can just go ahead and repeat everything on this list because my youngest daughter currently says every single thing her big sister says.)

11. “I’m cleaning up.” (Wipes napkin on couch where boogers were just wiped.)

12. “I like you.” (If you could hear my heart melt.)

13. “Get away from me.” (Said to sibling, followed by a conversation on kindness.)

14. “I’m making sugar and spice.” (My daughter is obsessed with play cooking along to cooking shows. We have no idea where she picked this up, though. I do not go around telling her little girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. In my experience, they’re made of fruit snacks, sass, and ice cream.)

15. “A square.” (In response to her own question about what shape my body is.)

16. “You okay?” (Said sweetly to sister after she shoved her.)

17. “I’m okay.” (Said by seemingly oblivious little sister.)

18. “You okay?” (Said by little to big sister after she shoves her.)

19. “This is fun.” (Repeated countless times. Thank God.)

The post 19 Things I’ve Heard My Kids Say and It’s Not Even 9 a.m. first appeared on Jennifer S. White.