I’m sitting here listening to the sounds of my husband giving his mini-me a bath—our daughter.

I often “joke” that looking at her must be like looking into a mirror for him.

It’s a constant reminder to me that we are people, first and foremost, before we are men and women.

That said, we live in a world of gender inequality and gender stereotyping and I, for one, am a huge proponent of advocating that we look beyond gender and into the hearts, souls and minds of the individual.

Still, I’m a woman—and I’m proud to be one.

While I’m fully aware that not all little girls want to wear dresses (I didn’t as a child), I’m equally more than aware that some do (my husband’s mini-me—my daughter—for example).

So, the thing is, I’m going to also be a proponent for being allowed to be proud that I’m a woman and of everything that this means to me, even if I’m also suggesting that what being a woman means to me is, and should be, vastly different than what it is for someone else.

And I want to be able to loudly proclaim my pride about both my femininity and the strength and ferocity that I equate this gleaming title with.

I’m a woman. I love tall boots and tight jeans.

I love long hair blowing in the wind and short hair, freshly chopped off.

I love both my small breasts and my swollen, pregnant ones.

I love wearing my husband’s shirts and form-flattering dresses.

I love shiny rings and sweaty skin.

I love reading a book and then watching the movie.

I love my aggressive attitude and my tender heart.

I love throaty, head-tilted-back laughs and seductress glances that come from the pit of my stomach.

I love a new bra and a worn-in t-shirt.

I love gold-flecked lipgloss and four coats of black mascara.

I love fresh-faced mornings in a sexy cotton robe and talks that could go on for hours.

I love sex. I love my body (after a long time of hating it and teaching myself how to love it).

I love that my body is preparing to give birth and the way my skin hangs differently from having my first child.

I love my independent spirit.

I love the way writing makes me come alive.

I love my bare nails and believe that nothing can have too much glitter.

I love raunchy humor and subtle smiles.

I love perfectly placed exclamation points and unexpectedly blunt periods.

I love everything about being a woman and, most of all, I love that female readers will probably bombard this post with raging comments that this is not a woman, to them, at all—because we are all unique and self-defined.

But, I’m a woman.

And I love my gender, my sexuality, my femininity and my rebelliousness against it too—and I want to celebrate these things just like we want to celebrate other facets of self-identity that are less categorical and likely to offend.

Yet being a woman isn’t something that’s black and white.

Take this story about Indian sprinter Dutee Chand.

Chand is being told she can no longer compete as a woman because her testosterone levels tested too high.

Yet Chand is a woman. She celebrates being a woman.

Actually, she’s currently fighting this definition that just because her body looks stereotypically different than a “woman’s” and because her naturally occurring testosterone levels are supposedly not low enough to be a woman, that she is still a woman and deserves to compete as one.

Her options, if she wants to compete under current athletic regulations: take drugs or have surgery to suppress the testosterone that her own body makes.

So, yeah, being a woman isn’t black and white.

Some women prefer white cotton panties while others prefer red lace (and some go commando).

Some of us drink our coffee black and some with milk (and others not at all),

But being a woman is something to be proud of; it’s something to be so proud of that we refuse to let others define what being a woman should mean to us—and what it shouldn’t.

So I’ll slip on my new black booties and my snug jeans. I’ll rub my hands over my rounding belly that houses a growing child for possibly a few more days.

And I’ll celebrate being a woman.

I’ll howl it. I’ll roar it. I’ll whisper it. (Depending upon my mood.)

But I’ll apologize to no one for my pride.

Because I’m a woman.

And I’m celebrating what that means to me.

Photo: Flickr/Ton Haex

The post Celebrating Being a Woman. first appeared on Jennifer S. White.

Grateful heart, I roar.

Infant muse, I roar.

Humbled flesh, I bow.

I cling to the reckless anger that I deserve to own this space; to inhabit this pre-birth giddiness and joy, regardless of my other child or my life’s demands—of my heart’s other demands.

I roar.

I pensively bleed in preparation.

I roar.

I tighten and cramp in rehearsal.

I roar.

I sing. I breathe. I meditate while holding my swelling belly in thickly veined hands.

I roar.

I put my foot across the line of appropriate—I dig my heels into this space without fear; without care; without guilt that I’m not staying within the confines of my feminine place.

I roar.

I cartwheel for what tomorrow could bring, I roar.

I crank up the stereo, I roar.

I spin my restless legs with headphones blaring, I roar.

I thump and groove my head to rhythms from tiny earbuds, to big bass and rich voice—I illuminate my heart-space with music.

And I roar.

I feel the pounding, driving need to purge from my life that which I don’t need—those who I don’t need.

I roar.

I collect fragile memories and emotional souvenirs and am reborn as a mother.

I roar.

I spin my legs around the un-moving bicycle as haunting lyrics pierce my goose-bumped soul.

I roar.

I stand in my lioness strength—I pivot around this defining internal shift of muted woman to violent heartbeats, in ready anticipation of bringing another female into this waiting world.

And I roar.

And I roar.

And I quiet.

And I slow.

And my legs stop circling and my heart stops racing and I invite this overwhelming sensation of commanding power to settle within my tender tissues.

And I roar.

I roar.

Photo: Flickr/Rebecca.

The post I Roar. {A Mother’s Love Poem} first appeared on Jennifer S. White.

In this day and age the word lady arguably has many definitions.

Let’s put it this way, if you’re someone who complains, privately much less publicly, that women want to be independent yet have the door held open for them too, then, in my less-than-humble opinion, you should be automatically disqualified from having to even worry about how to treat a lady.

Hopefully she has someone else holding her hand on her meteoric rise up in the world—and also someone loving enough to want to hold the door for her.

Now, what about if you do have a lady in your life?

She’s someone who lets you know when she’s upset—yet she tries to be as tactful and graceful as possible while she’s putting you in your place—and if she does overstep these rather sensitive moral boundaries, then she always apologizes.

She’s mysterious and lively, intelligent and just plain fun—she’s many things, in fact.

This is a lady.

What exactly do you do with this sort of woman?

Never fear, this lady will give you a few pointers.

1. Keep your sense of humor—you’ll need it.

An emotionally mature woman is still allowed the occasional temper tantrum (in case you weren’t aware).

From time to time, she might go off about not being your housemaid—when, in reality, you know that it’syou who is doing much of the laundry.

She might also—only every now and then mind you—have another glass of wine that she didn’t really need, and her silly sense of humor might temporarily become a little overboard.

These situations, and many others, require a lady’s mate to have a great sense of humor.

Be someone that can laugh with her (never at her)—and also remember to use your own comedic timing to lighten her mood when she does get out of sorts.

2. Don’t pick on her (too much).

I understand that it must be some sort of natural inclination of men, starting around age seven when they discover that there are people without penises on the playground, to pick on ladies that they find interesting.

Be careful how much you pick on her, and know when it’s the right time.

Wrong moments include (but aren’t limited to) that time of the month, as well as anytime when she’s preparing for a holiday or important event that she’s nervous about, while she’s driving, or if she has had that aforementioned extra glass of wine.

It is acceptable, however, to be playful for shorter intervals. (I recommend short intervals, because then you can see how she handles it before you get stuck in an unfortunate situation that might possibly lead her into having to apologize later—although she will, because she is a lady.)

3. Don’t talk about other women.

You’d think that this wouldn’t be an issue, what with all the horror stories out there—yet it’s still an occurrence in some relationships.

Real ladies do not like you to make any reference to other women because, one: she likes having female friends and doesn’t like them to be unfavorably compared to her (which they should always be—keep this in mind); two: being a lady, of course, she has impeccable manners and doesn’t like unnecessary gossip and,three: should you be idiotic enough to actually bring up a scenario where another woman winds up the victor, well, let’s just say that she is officially not held accountable for her subsequent actions. But, more importantly, she also doesn’t like having her feelings hurt because inside all ladies there are tender little girls.

4. Hold the damn door.

Yes, I can understand that some men think that women nowadays want their cake so that they can eat it too. Let me tell you, this is absolutely true—and she also wants you to clean up the crumbs.

What’s wrong with that? She’s worth it and she knows it.

5. Be strong.

What a lady wants more than anything else in the world is a friend who knows her inside and out, loves her anyways, and then treats her with such an unconditional love.

If you want the same thing—a willing partner and an intellectual match—then, please, be strong enough to handle her.

She, no doubt, will try your patience—and she will want you to challenge hers in return. (Just so you’re aware—this is an unspoken rule.)

Do not let her win all the time because she will lose respect for you.

Learn how to delicately stand up to her when you know that she’s not seeing the bigger picture, and, for Godsakes, be able to tell her how you feel too. It will make her less likely to trample you—because a strong women will, without meaning to, sometimes make you feel bulldozed.

Part of being a lady is that she knows exactly who she is—so know who you are too.

If you’ve ever loved a real woman—someone with strength of character and softness of heart—then you’re more than aware that she is worth learning how to work with.

Don’t forget that her feminine complexities are what drew you to her in the first place.

While there are arguably many definitions for a lady—because, thankfully, no one woman is like another—I will assure you of this: they all want to be treated well.

“How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.” ~ Oscar Wilde.

Photo: Dolores Del Rio/Flickr; Alex Schmitt/Flickr.

This article was previously published by elephant journal.

The post How to Treat a Lady. first appeared on Jennifer S. White.

Call her a pampered-princess type—you’d be right.

She knows her worth and value and she demands that her lover does too. (Lesson one.) You know, let’s just cut to the chase and dive in.

How to love a strong and complicated woman.

First, be open.

Because she will probably want to pull the blankets up over her head from time-to-time; closing herself—and her thoughts—off from the world—and the world includes you.

She’ll want you to know how she feels, of course, but she won’t always feel up to telling you. This will make your relationship challenging for both of you, because open communication is necessary for two people to properly understand one another without, well, misunderstandings.

So please talk to her about your own feelings and thoughts—your sharing will encourage hers.

Also, don’t be afraid to ask her questions, but do try being gentle rather than probing. (She says thank you in advance.)

And let’s get this out into the open right away: Complicated women who pretend that they are not complicated are a challenge.

You have your work cut out for you.

Don’t get me wrong, there are uncomplicated women—just like there are men who will see this article’s words and find themselves written here for their lovers to read.

Because sharing the same sex doesn’t make us the same person.

On the other hand, any woman with close girlfriends will be able to tell you that women, very generally speaking mind you, have their own ways of communicating and, sometimes, even thinking—all I’m suggesting is that it’s okay to admit it.

No, I’m going a step further and saying that if we do admit this that all of our relationships—be it a friendship or romantic partnership—will be easier because—re-read the first statement above and repeat after me: open communication is necessary for two people to properly understand one another.

 Okay, so back to the self-declared-uncomplicated-yet-complicated woman.

I’m probably not the best authority in this arena, because I often put my eccentricities on display (obviously).

However, I will tell you this: let her go on pretending that she’s not complex—you will not change her mind. This is a realization that she must come to own her own (or another woman who is a close enough friend can point it out to her—not you).

Why?

Simple—reflect upon the moments when you’ve probably “accused” her of being difficult to understand; likely they’ve been those times when you were irritated, and your words and thoughts were not coming from a completely loving place.

So, ladies, consider being more forthright about your needs—with him and with yourself—and, gentlemen, keep in mind that your own sharing and approachable receptivity will help her to come out of her shell—even if it’s at seemingly tortoise-like speeds—but, in the meantime, practice patience with her. (Because she’s worth it.)

Additionally, part of the reason that she’s being so emotionally reserved is that, like many of us, she’s afraid of rejection, and this fear—however subconscious—leaves her with a fragile vulnerability.

Which brings me to…

 Give sincere compliments.

Everyone needs to be told—out loud—what’s great about them—everyone.

However, the complicated woman probably needs more compliments than your average bear, or lady as the case may be.

Yes, she’s strong (we’ll get to that later). Still, inside every grown and gorgeous woman is a little girl wanting love, affection and attention—and, honestly, if most people search themselves they, too, will find a child wanting to be shown love.

 If you can’t handle this, walk away now—and good luck finding any woman—or any lover—who doesn’t need the occasionally verbalized compliment.

Remember the sincere part, though.

You certainly don’t want to hand out so many compliments that they become expected or, worse, canned and phony.

Still, there are most likely two reasons why a woman would ask you, for example, how she looks in something:one, she genuinely wants to know how she looks, in which case you should be honest and not let her leave the house in something hideous—proceed with caution here—or, two, she’s fishing for compliments because you rarely give them to her unless she asks—99.9% of the time, the latter is the reason.

Moving on.

Let’s shift over the strong aspect of your lady love.

Strength, like many personal attributes, is subjective. I define a woman with strength as someone who knows what she wants, who isn’t afraid to go after it and who has her own independent mind and life.

In short, if I were you, I wouldn’t glance in any other woman’s direction but hers because you’ll find that she’s fun, fiery and full of excitement since she knows herself thoroughly and can’t wait to discover more with you.

So how do you love a woman like this?

You must be strong too (see aforementioned description)—and the reason for this isn’t complicated like she is.

A strong woman wants a partner—an equal, someone to challenge her when necessary and who is steady enough to lean into—without getting bulldozed—when life gets hard.

She might act like she always wants to get her way—she might even think she does—but, in reality, she doesn’t want to romance—or be romanced by—a push-over.

This doesn’t mean that she doesn’t want you to be sensitive, to always consider her viewpoint and to compromise, but it does mean that she wants you to stand up for yourself when you need to—because she wants to love and respect you enough in return that she, too, has to be sensitive, to always consider your viewpoint and to compromise.

Again, a strong woman is looking for a partner to hold her hand and walk with her through life—not walk herthrough life, pulling her hand and being controlling—and, likewise, she doesn’t want to waste her time always guiding you either.

Okay, back to complicated.

Actually, you know what? I think I can save us both a lot of time here; I don’t think there is such a thing as a complicated woman. No, come to think of it, a self-defined complicated woman will give you the least amount of trouble—and be the least difficult to figure out—because she’s already trying to figure herself out—and then she’s trying to express her revelations to you so that you can fully know her.

And that’s the thing about complicated people: all they’re looking for is someone who gets them—really gets them.

Aren’t we all complicated in our own ways? Isn’t complicated just semantics? Don’t we all have internal idiosyncrasies?

I mean, isn’t it the sum of these individual quirks that make people special, unique and worth getting to know—and then love?

So if you clicked on this article my speculation is this: you either consider yourself a strong and complicated woman, you love one, or you want to love one.

And here’s another thought: you’re already going in the right direction. Because all love has its intricacies and its delicate balances between two hearts and two minds—and it’s not easy for two people to work as one.

It’s not easy, but love is worth it. And she is worth it—you are worth it. Yet, all love depends upon learning and sharing and growing together if it doesn’t want to grow apart. So stay curious.

Be open—and remember that having love inside of you that you want to give readily is, itself, a huge contributing factor towards a relationship’s success and strength. And we’re all strong in our own ways—strength really is subjectively defined.

We all have our own personally distinguishable strengths—and love is simply finding another person who recognizes them and wants to help you make them even stronger.

Because people might be complicated, but I’m not entirely sure that love has to be.

Then again, I guess that love will always be complex—as long as strong, inquisitive, impassioned people are involved.

Photo: Flickr/Thoth God of Knowledge.

This article was first published by elephant journal.

The post How to Love a Strong & Complicated Woman. first appeared on Jennifer S. White.