Here’s a random list of things my two children, ages almost six and going on two, have said this morning, and it’s not even nine o’clock:

1. “I want a different shirt.” (Heard three times, not including initial change from pajamas to clothes.)

2. “What’s that sound?” (Heard twelve times, including when a bug hit the window and once when I picked a wedgie and my underwear snapped.)

3. “I want ice cream.”

4. “Why do you wear underwear?”

5. “Ewww. Icky.” (Heard repeatedly when told the sound was a bug hitting the window.)

6. “Why do you have to mow the grass?”

7. “I like SpongeBob.” (Author’s note: Me too, kid. Me too. It’s that Caillou we don’t agree on.)

8. “I want a napkin.”

9. “That’s sticky.”

10. “That’s sticky.” (You can just go ahead and repeat everything on this list because my youngest daughter currently says every single thing her big sister says.)

11. “I’m cleaning up.” (Wipes napkin on couch where boogers were just wiped.)

12. “I like you.” (If you could hear my heart melt.)

13. “Get away from me.” (Said to sibling, followed by a conversation on kindness.)

14. “I’m making sugar and spice.” (My daughter is obsessed with play cooking along to cooking shows. We have no idea where she picked this up, though. I do not go around telling her little girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. In my experience, they’re made of fruit snacks, sass, and ice cream.)

15. “A square.” (In response to her own question about what shape my body is.)

16. “You okay?” (Said sweetly to sister after she shoved her.)

17. “I’m okay.” (Said by seemingly oblivious little sister.)

18. “You okay?” (Said by little to big sister after she shoves her.)

19. “This is fun.” (Repeated countless times. Thank God.)

The post 19 Things I’ve Heard My Kids Say and It’s Not Even 9 a.m. first appeared on Jennifer S. White.

I can’t stand parenting advice.

It’s pretty grandiose to think that we have the answers for all parents and kids out there because we’ve figured out a few key (or minor) parts.

For one, kids are all different—and what works for one child will likely not work for another.

Example. My first child’s answer to basically all crying jags that didn’t make sense was…my breast. My new baby—her little sister—however, is the most unusual baby I’ve ever met—because my breast actually makes her angry if she’s not hungry. Even when she’s only just finished nursing, she can no longer stand the sight of it.

If  this has been too much information, then just wait for what follows: a list of things that we mere mortals—those who don’t pretend to be superdad or supermom—discover and do once we’ve become parents.

1. Use the word “potty.”

I swore I would never use the word “potty.”

I call the potty a “loo,” but here’s the thing: other people our children come into contact with, like teachers and other parents, will use the word “potty”—so we will too.

2. Sleep with our children.

We will. If we’ve not slept for more than one full sleep-cycle (an hour and a half) for four nights in a row (made-up example), we will sleep with our child.

If you’re the parent of an awesome sleeper? Then fuck you.

3. Not care if someone sees our nipples while we breastfeed.

I mean, we might—a tiny bit. But nipples become fair game for public viewing if it’s a choice between that and never leaving the house.

Me? I love breastfeeding so much that my breasts are still something special to me, but not in a “naughty-Americans-can’t-handle-the-truth” sort of way, if only because…

4. I now see my breasts as a utilitarian body part.

Nuff said.

5. Be significantly less grossed out by all bodily fluids.

I say “less” grossed out, because I think people who claim that their “baby’s poo doesn’t bother me at all!” have a problem. Because, frankly, it’s still poo. That said, get used to seeing a lot of it. A lot.

6. Wake a sleeping baby.

Unless we want to let her sleep in her own poo (speaking of poo again), or if we have no other children who have to be taken places, or if we aren’t the ones changing diapers. (Which, possibly, calls for another fuck you.)

7. Feel blessed by God when an enormous poop happens right before we’re about to leave.

We’ll also be shocked at how happy we are when our kids have regular bowel movements. We’ll also be shocked at how frequently we use the words “bowel movement” and just “poop” in general. (I mean, count how many times I’ve used them in this blog! There’s a reason for that. Because, poop.)

8. Be less turned on by a great subtitled foreign film and more turned on by something that makes our brains go on a nightly vacation for the maybe-20 minutes that we can stay awake after the baby falls asleep.

Admit it, that sentence alone was hard to get through, wasn’t it?

9. Any day that starts with a shower and shaved legs has the potential to be a great day.

If we got to shave the backs of our legs and above our knees then, repeat after me: Today. Will. Be. Awesome.

10. Dressing our kids really will be more fun than buying clothes for ourselves.

My mom always bought us kids new clothing and rarely herself, and now I get it—it really is fun to clothe our adorable children.

11. Multi-tasking absolutely is a myth.

So while the kids are young, we’ll just do everything poorly.

12. Our kids will eat “kid food.”

Even if we’re foodies.

Even if we don’t own a microwave.

Even if they “ate everything!” as babies.

They. Will. Eat. Kid. Food. (But hopefully in addition to “non-kid” food too.)

Yet the thing is, there are other experiences that also happen after we’ve had a baby that we couldn’t have predicted beforehand.

Like the love we feel. That’s absolutely true—and it’s what makes all of that poop worth it.

Or at least most of it.

Author’s note: I know that it’s “we” and not “us,” but I felt like using “us.” Because, poop.

Photo: Flickr/Juhan Sonin.

The post 12 Things Us Mere Mortals Do after Having a Baby. first appeared on Jennifer S. White.

Sometimes the best thing for us is simple.

A good laugh can bring us back to center after a stressful day or help us remember the sheer fun of being alive when the world feels a tiny bit topsy-turvy.

So here’s one, courtesy of funny lady Lauren O’Brien.

Enjoy! (And laugh away.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r047tjNKC1Q

Photo: YouTube screenshot.

The post Impressions of Celebrities in the Car. {Hilarious Video} first appeared on Jennifer S. White.

I’ll admit that I wasn’t sure if I was going to watch Downton Abbey this season.

But I did—and I was pleasantly surprised.

Sure, there was destined to be drama when nearly a handful of lead characters have been killed off in the previous season, yet it managed to have the wit and gorgeous cinematography that turned many viewers on in the first place (even if we were turned off by a tad too much tragedy).

Still, have you ever wondered…is there life after Downton? Well, for one of the abbey’s most infamous personalities, there just might be.

She’s not Lady Mary—most of the time.

Funny or Die’s latest star is none other than Downton Abbey’s Michelle Dockery, aka Lady Mary.

In this fake trailer for a made-up TNT drama “Tough Justice,” Dockery stars as a no-nonsense cop alongside The Shield‘s Michael Chiklis.

Watch Lady Mary’s “Tough” performance here:

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/2621d24714/tough-justice-with-michelle-dockery

Photo: Screenshot.

The post Downton Abbey’s Lady Mary on (Hilarious) Cop Show. {Funny or Die Video} first appeared on Jennifer S. White.