I’ve had two babies, and both experiences have been completely different, except for one thing: I didn’t want people to hold my baby.

Moreover, I really didn’t even want visitors. I’ll use my second experience, with my youngest, as an example.

My baby was born in October, and my husband had a glorious two weeks off from work. I knew we were lucky, and I knew we would need this time to acclimate both ourselves and, especially our oldest daughter, to our family’s new addition.

During those two weeks, I didn’t want family driving in to meet the baby. My perspective, as a sore and breastfeeding postpartum mother, was what difference is it to outsiders if they visit during this sacred two-week time period, or if they visit after? These two weeks, while crucial to us as a family unit, will fly by for everyone else, and they can come then.

When we did have people over to meet our new daughter, and to show some much-needed love to our oldest daughter, I, frankly, felt like I was giving away a piece of my tender mommy-breast when I let someone hold my newborn. Actually, she often resided during the day in my sling, and I could conveniently place her there so it wasn’t an issue. She’s sleeping against Mommy—conversation over.

Yet my oldest needed me desperately, as was expected. She needed both her mother and her father to show her that she was still loved and special, and a crucial part of our family, but nursing moms in particular are often with the newborn, by default. Having my husband and, later, our extended family over to help with the baby so that I could also be present with my other daughter was a key part of helping her welcome the baby into our lives as seamlessly as possible.

It was not a seamless and smooth transition for anyone. I had postpartum depression, but not so badly that I even acknowledged it at first. I was exhausted. Those two weeks did fly by, and I was home alone with two kids, and even if I wasn’t watching my caffeine intake, there is never enough coffee in the world for some mornings.

A few friends came over and read to my oldest. One brought dinner. My sister visited. My best friend actually flew in for a few days. My own mom and dad were there at least once a week, helping with both girls and making my whole family dinner. My husband, thankfully, has a job that allows him to be home in the evenings and on the weekends. I had support, but I was still overwhelmed.

Don’t get me wrong, welcoming my youngest daughter into our family is one of the highlights of my life on Earth. It’s absolutely true that there is nothing more magical than motherhood. It’s also completely true that there is nothing more difficult.

If we want to help new mothers, we don’t need generic lists of how to help her. What we need is to communicate openly with each other—we need to learn to ask.

There will be plenty of mothers who could read this and think that all they wanted was to have someone over to hold the new baby so she could shower, or nap, or go to the bathroom alone. There might be plenty of mothers like myself who relate fully to skipping showers and not caring much at all about it.

I offered earlier that my new-mom experiences with my two children have been distinctly separate. There is such glorious variety in personality, in the actual birth process, and in our challenges and joys with them as newborn babies.

The thing is, people are different, women are different, kids are different—and this marked individuality begins right from the start.

So, no, I didn’t want a queue of anyone, even those I love the most outside of my private foursome, parading through my house during those first few weeks. I felt like a wild animal, in my fatigue, and my physical recovery, and in my protectiveness over my oldest’s jealousy, and of my new baby. Holding my new baby made all of the difficulty we were processing as a family worth it. It may well have been hormonal, but handing her off to someone else physically hurt.

Life, at my house, has moved on. My baby is more of a toddler, and my oldest plays with her sibling like a seasoned pro. I sleep. I don’t feel raw and vulnerable like I did as a brand-new mom. Yet those experiences are stored deeply in my heart and mind—the enchanting, the challenging, and the horrific still feel close, even if they are fading into normalcy through the perspective of distance.

If we want to help a new mom—if we really want to help her—we shouldn’t assume. We shouldn’t pretend we know because we’ve been there—we haven’t. Her experience is brand new, just like her baby.

We should ask. We should care enough to listen.

The post Why We Should Ask First Before We Invite Ourselves over to Hold the New Baby. first appeared on Jennifer S. White.

There have been a lot of grey and rainy days where I live.

While I’m not one to complain about the weather, I’ve noticed how much my body—how much the depth of my bones—responds to these heavy, damp mornings.

My arms have goosebumps, where the fine hair stands on end. The tip of my nose feels cold and my loose rings turn on my fingers. I turn the heat up in my house, only to turn it back down, because I realize that what I want is to fully experience this spring chill.

After all, it’ll be hot and sticky and humid soon enough.

The backs of my legs will stick to my car seat. I’ll have imprints on my thighs from the wooden bench where my daughter and I like to sit after getting ice cream.

In short, each season has its beauty and every season comes to an end.

I’m pregnant.

I feel a fullness in my belly and in my breasts that normally aren’t there.

My daughter sits in my lap and leans back as I read her a story; it’s getting uncomfortable for her to do this.

I go to yoga class and modify poses that I’d love to sink deeply into. The sweat beads on my upper lip and shoulders and instead of letting it drip sensuously down my back; I take child’s pose so as not to overheat.

Yet I’m not desiring that this period slips by, so that I might return to my typical life—I’m already shocked at how far along this baby is.

And I know that when my infant arrives, it’ll be an entirely new season.

Fall will be dawning and winter on our only slightly distant horizon. I’ll need a jacket to cover my now-empty abdomen. (I remember vividly the overwhelming urge to place my hands on my child in utero, only to remember that she’s now lying in the gentle nook of my arms.)

And autumn is my favorite season of all—the leaves crunching underneath shoes on well-worn trails, the splashes of color bringing visual awareness to places that my eyes usually skip over—but part of what makes it so special is that it comes and goes, and comes and goes. Its arrival, much like my new baby, is happily anticipated and its transformation into something more mature—falling snow and twinkling lights—is also beautiful, although drastically new and different.

So when my bones feel heavy and my heart longs to follow—when the damp spring days seem unending and, yes, even annoying—my tendency to either wallow or become agitated is, thankfully, often squashed by a tender recognition of this moment’s impermanence.

I place my hand softly on my belly, where I’ll begin to feel movement nearly any day, and I feel intense pleasure, peace and satisfaction at being grateful for where I sit, right now.

Photo: martinak15/Flickr.

The post How to Feel Change in Your Bones. first appeared on Jennifer S. White.

I was ecstatic to open this little manila envelope when it arrived on my doorstep, and that excitement has not waned.

Kristin McGee, celebrity yoga and Pilates instructor, has come out with the bomb-diggity of all prenatal at-home workouts.

This 2-disc DVD couples both yoga and Pilates for something refreshingly fun and appropriately challenging—and both are a welcome change from the average sit-in-the-same-yoga-pose-for-an-hour DVDs that are typically geared towards expectant mothers.

McGee says straight up within her DVD’s introduction that, at times, her primary focus is women who are moving into pregnancy with an already existing yoga practice. Still, in my opinion, her precise instruction and accessible modifications also allow for less experienced moms who want to relax, yet move and stretch.

Here’s a peek at the DVD menu, from McGee’s website description:

“Prenatal Power Flow Yoga — Not for the beginner, but for the pregnant mom who wants to keep her yoga routine during pregnancy. Two segments—do one or both. (43 minutes)

Prenatal Breathing and Meditation — A chance to bond with your baby, your body, and prepare physically and mentally for labor and delivery. (12 minutes)

Prenatal Pilates Tone and Sculpt — Strengthen pelvic floor and abdominals for easier labor, delivery and recovery. The band provides overall toning to keep the body fit and strong during pregnancy. (24 minutes)

Prenatal Peaceful Flow Yoga — Relax, unwind, while lengthening and stretching. (20 minutes)

Prenatal Express Workout — Short on time but need a workout? This Express Workout will challenge the entire body gently and effectively. Do it anywhere. Any time! (9 minutes)”

 Again, these DVDs offer something for yogis who want to both break a healthy sweat or simply release tension from tired muscles. (And, if you’re like me, these needs vary day by day, even when not pregnant.)

Perhaps the best part of this DVD, however, is the simple yet unique yellow theraband that comes with this set and its accompanying Pilates workout—my own pregnant body absolutely adores this segment of these DVDs.

First of all, it’s physically invigorating and, for most pregnant yoga mamas—even those of us with Pilates experience—this portion shakes it up and keeps our workouts interesting.

Actually, I found myself regularly gravitating to this particular routine and, with each installment’s relatively short time, it’s impossible not to make time for it in my day.

Additionally, McGee’s light-hearted but approachable personality is inviting and, as my husband puts it, he loves how the video’s studio space makes you feel like you’re practicing with McGee in her living room. And, for us second-time mommies, McGee’s smile is so contagious that my daughter, believe it or not, chooses to put this DVD in. (She’s even tried to get my husband to pop it in and practice along.)

Moreover, one of the things about McGee that has had me looking for her DVDs since my first MTV introduction to her is the eloquent but down-to-earth way she has with words and cues.

For example, McGee—pregnant with her son in the videos—tells us to “hug our baby to our spine” when we need reminders to activate and engage our core muscles—and what a wonderful sensation this evokes when working out with child.

Speaking of McGee’s ability to fuse yoga and Pilates, this is the only area of the DVD that I think might be new or different for some regular yoga practitioners.

Pilates breath and yoga breath are not identical, and there are a few points (such as rounding the spine when on all fours and bringing the knee towards the nose) that she cues breathing inversely from some other yoga styles.

In other words, she tells us to inhale or exhale when our own yoga style might encourage us to do the opposite. However, I think it’s important to remember that neither is incorrect and, for me, I found myself enjoying a little bit of experimentation while, ultimately, breathing how it felt best for my body.

Because easily one of the most wonderful aspects of this DVD is the way that McGee encourages us to listen to our bodies—to not overdo it, to push through one more round when we have it in there and, primarily, to relax into motherhood rather than battling our way through—and what a helpful parental lesson to begin learning early on like this.

Lastly, I can see myself using this set even after I’ve given birth. Many of these strengthening moves are excellent post-natal and the efficient workout modules are perfect for any busy new mom.

I can’t tell you how lucky I feel to have discovered this DVD collection during my pregnancy—I certainly wish I’d had access to it the first time around. That said, if you’re a pregnant yogi, a hoping-to-be pregnant yogi or a new mama, this DVD is definitely for you.

(And, hey, Mother’s Day is right around the corner. Wink, wink.)

Visit Kristin McGee’s website to purchase your copy.

Photos: Courtesy of Kristin McGee.

The post Why Every Pregnant Woman Should Own This DVD. {Review} first appeared on Jennifer S. White.

“When the first baby laughed for the first time, the laugh broke into a thousand pieces and they all went skipping about, and that was the beginning of fairies. And now when every new baby is born its first laugh becomes a fairy. So there ought to be one fairy for every boy or girl.”

~J.M. Barrie

From the moment you find out you’re pregnant to the instance that you hold your baby cozily in your arms for the first time, being a new mother is something that’s difficult to place into words.

Still, there are so many (unnecessary) anxiety-inducing myths about the process. Here, we’ll unmask a few.

1. You will be mortified if you poop on the delivery table.

Trust me, when you’re in labor you won’t care…at all. Please don’t spend the amount of time worrying about this that I did the first time around.

2. The pain will be unbearable.

To be fair, we all have different tolerances for pain. However, one thing that helped me get through the discomfort was remembering that it won’t last forever!

Read this for some additional tips.

3. There will be something wrong with your baby.

For one, the probability is high that your baby will be healthy (and all of those prenatal check-ups and screenings help ensure this too), but the simple reality is that if something is wrong with your baby after you give birth, worrying about it beforehand will not help.

4. You won’t be able to nurse.

I actually didn’t think this would be a problem for me—and it was.

My mother-in-law (thankfully a wonderful lactation consultant) and I worked for weeks and weeks to get my daughter to latch on properly and for nursing to be an easy experience, for both my daughter and myself.

And, yes, it took work and, yes, I think I spent the first month or so topless in my house, but it was worth it because she became a breastfeeding pro and we didn’t wean her until two years old.

(Tip: seek professional help, like that of a lactation consultant, if you have any questions and concerns—that’s what they’re there for.)

5. Sleep when the baby sleeps.

To this day, this is hands down the dumbest piece of advice I’ve heard.

The only people who will tell you this are parents who are so far removed from the process that they don’t remember why they didn’t follow it themselves. Because you will be tired and you will want to nap—and I’m not discouraging your own rest—but, for me personally, I found much more relief from fatigue by practicing yoga or exercising while my daughter napped.

6. You will be a horrible mother.

This is my own observation, but moms who worry about how good they’ll be are often the ones who really care about the job. In my opinion, this is a huge plus towards being a stellar parent.

7. Nursing is birth control.

For some, this is true. For others, not so much.  Click on the link in red above to learn more about nursing as a birth control option.

8. You will know you’re in labor.

Well, I thought I was in labor the night before I had my child, but I wasn’t positive because it was nothing like the dramatic movie scenes I’d witnessed.

I remember telling my husband things like, I might actually have to cancel my six a.m. yoga class if I still feel like this tomorrow. (A big, big deal for me then.)

Yet I wasn’t sure I was in labor—until my water broke. Honestly, though, I wouldn’t have done anything differently. I put my feet up and drank water. I went to bed early and then took a shower and packed my hospital bag after my water did break.

Point: know the lesser labor symptoms, like upset stomach or diarrhea.

9. You won’t make it to the hospital.

I personally wasn’t afraid of this, but many expectant mothers are.

You are almost guaranteed to make it to the hospital. I actually had a very short labor and delivery and I still made it to the hospital.

Having said that, I wanted to be at home as long as I could. I had no desire to be one of those mothers hanging out in the birthing center before I needed to. One thing that I decided to do in order to help myself relax at home was create a list of things for my hospital bag and then, after my water broke, I slowly packed my bag while checking items off. If you find that you’re overly concerned about making it to the hospital, prepare your luggage in advance and call your doctor at any signs of impending labor.

10. You’ll spend a fortune on maternity clothes.

Okay, maybe you will and maybe you want to. Me? I didn’t want to. Tunic tops, loose dresses and leggings are all great options (and wonderfully comfy clothing choices for after the birth too).

11. You need all the crap on the Babies ‘R’ Us register.

Repeat after me: No. You. Don’t.

Not shockingly, the lists of things you’ll need handed out in baby stores where you can register for gift items are…trying to sell you stuff!

Obviously, you will need new baby items, and these things will vary from mother to mother and from baby to baby as well, but here’s my advice: if you don’t think you’ll need it, skip it. (You can always purchase it later.)

12. Pregnant sex is weird.

I recently read a story about a celebrity saying that her husband thinks pregnancy sex is “weird.” It made me furious! Maybe some men are like this, but surely not all men. Feeling sexy and desirable during pregnancy not only encourages you to love your gorgeous, voluptuous body, but having sex is a natural and positive experience for expecting couples to share. If your spouse does have concerns, talk about them openly.

13. Sex induces labor.

Exercise and walking are commonly thought of as the go-to labor inducing act, but guess what? Sex is better.

This is all thanks to the effects of prostaglandins and Oxytocin, both necessities of labor.

14. Your vagina will permanently change.

Oh, how I wish someone had been blunt with me about this one.

Absolutely expect your vagina to be stretched, sore and just plain weird after a vaginal birth—but also expect these dramatic changes to not last. Remember, your entire body is made to stretch and expand for your baby’s birth.

My personal favorite analogy: are men afraid of having their penises permanently affected by erections?

Regardless, if you want to help ensure your pre-baby vaginal state, then do your Kegels, both before and after having your baby.

So there you have it, a few myths and fears debunked and squelched.

Do you, or did you, have any concerns about your labor, delivery or early parenthood experiences? Share them in the comments section below.

Photo: gabi menashe/Flickr.

This article was first published by elephant journal.

The post Debunking 14 Labor, Delivery & Early Parenthood Myths & Fears. first appeared on Jennifer S. White.

“If I could, I would.”

A dad’s role in breastfeeding a child can be crucial.

Nursing mothers need support and help, especially if there are other children besides the newborn.

Research into the father’s place in a nursing family is relatively new. However, studies are showing that a dad’s positive attitude and helping hands can encourage both the mother’s experience and how long she nurses the baby overall.

Photographer Hector Cruz noticed that his wife was struggling with nursing their new child. He felt helpless and wished so badly that he could just nurse the baby for her. And Project Breastfeeding was born.

Cruz realized quickly when he stepped into help that breastfeeding is a team effort—so he founded Project Breastfeeding, who’s mission is to “destigmatize public breastfeeding, educate men and empower women.”

He also put his photography skills to great use by campaigning with images of men holding their infants in traditional breastfeeding postures.

Go here for more inspiring images, and watch this video for more information on both the project and how you can get involved.

Photos: Courtesy of Project Breastfeeding, visit on Facebook.

The post Dads Breastfeeding? How These Images Hope to Change Families. {Video} first appeared on Jennifer S. White.