Don’t ever Google “post-baby body” and expect to find something uplifting.

Also, I shouldn’t have Googled my weight and height, what’s “normal” weight-loss post-baby or anything else along these lines, like I did.

The reason is simple: I’ll never have my pre-baby body back—thank God.

Right now, I’m 11 weeks postpartum and my linea nigra is fading, but still going strong.

I’m one of the lucky women who have a linea nigra, a dark line, running across my skin from my pubic bone to up between my ribs. I use the word “lucky” with no sarcasm whatsoever.

Having this kind-of-thick dark line running along my skin is one of the most beautiful things that happened to my body during pregnancy. My mother’s line faded from my first pregnancy and I do expect it to fade completely after this one too, but it’s a dead giveaway that I just gave birth, no matter how taut or tight my belly appears to people looking at it through clothing.

Yet I can’t say that I’ve been in love with my postnatal body. (I did, after all, honestly Google the things mentioned above.) And I’m not proud of that, but I’m not ashamed either—because many women want their “pre-baby” bodies back, but we feel either guilty for admitting it out loud as we cradle a gorgeous new life within our new-mother arms, or we unhealthily obsess over it.

My yoga practice has actually been pretty amazing since giving birth.

But the first time I attempted crow pose—a posture of strong spinal flexion and abdominal lift that I couldn’t safely perform during pregnancy—I felt “clunky.”

I felt “clunky” and heavy as I tried to shoot my feet back into chaturanga.

Gone was the quiet floating of my pre-pregnancy days and, here, were the new ones of big toes kind of plopping down as I tried to get back in touch with my abdominal muscles.

And I mean that: my yoga practice after having a baby was all about “getting back in touch.” It was like a friend I hadn’t spoken to in months and we were catching up, but instead of talking about work or my kids, I was listening and communicating with my intercostals and my obliques.

And I’ve been getting on my mat every single day since about four or five weeks after I had my baby. I’ve been arriving for at least five minutes of daily core work and, typically, 20 or 30 minutes of some sort of flow sequence.

Yet the reason I’ve been doing these things isn’t related at all to my aforementioned Google searches, but to the simple fact that every time I get on my mat I breathe away not only my life’s stressors, but I realize that I love my body so much, exactly as it is.

I love my linea nigra.

I love my slightly loose skin.

I love the fact that my crow to chaturanga is getting lighter and stronger and I love that I can feel my body as it regains both flexibility and strength. But I don’t love these things every day.

Some days I just feel ten pounds heavier than before I had my baby.

Some days I can’t stand the slightly loose skin.

Some days I feel clunky in general, not just in crow pose.

But that’s the thing: my daily yoga practice has given me the power of getting in touch with where I am, right now, regardless of whether or not that’s where some silly celebrity blog says I should be or whether so-and-so still has ten extra pounds.

Because, when I’m on my mat, there are no arbitrary numbers—only me, Jennifer, new mother, strong-super-woman-who-attempts-crow-pose-after-pushing-out-a-baby.

On my mat, I’m all alone, like on a deserted island, while simultaneously being connected to the larger theme of life that makes anything coming up on a “post-baby-body Google search” a complete waste of time.

So, yes, I’d love to pretend that I’m perfectly content in my postpartum skin. I’d love, too, to imagine a world where women don’t feel some form of pressure to be fit. However, we live in a world where “post-baby body” is a completely normal catchphrase (and Google search).

But that’s not why I get on my mat.

I get on my mat because I want to feel good—and a huge part of feeling good is taking care of my body, because it houses my new-mother soul.

And I’m raising two girls now—I’m raising two little human beings who depend on my teachings for how they will look upon their own bodies some day.

I want them to know they can talk to me about concerns and insecurities, but I also want them to know that our bodies are so much more than numbers on a scale, or how strong or how flexible we are.

So, thank you, yoga practice for reminding me that I’ll never, ever “get my post-baby body back.”

Nope, it’s gone—because, actually, after I had my first daughter, I was healthier than ever before, having a brand-spankin’ new reason to get on my yoga mat every day, and her name was Gemma.

And now, as a new year dawns, my resolutions aren’t anything like, “lose that ten pounds of baby weight,” or “practice yoga every day.”

My new year’s resolutions are more like, “remember to breathe through the hurt and frustration,” and “fall in love with myself all over again every single day.”

And I do fall in love with myself every day.

Every day I fall in love with my willingness to embrace my flaws—especially the flaw of caring so much about my imperfections—and I fall in love with where I am right now.

And right now I’m a writing, blogging, stay-at-home-yoga mama machine who needs her yoga practice—and who is learning to love her body, without labels.

Photos: Author’s own.

This article was first published by elephant journal.

The post How Yoga Helped Me Accept That I’ll Never Have My Pre-Baby Body Back. first appeared on Jennifer S. White.

I’m sitting here listening to the sounds of my husband giving his mini-me a bath—our daughter.

I often “joke” that looking at her must be like looking into a mirror for him.

It’s a constant reminder to me that we are people, first and foremost, before we are men and women.

That said, we live in a world of gender inequality and gender stereotyping and I, for one, am a huge proponent of advocating that we look beyond gender and into the hearts, souls and minds of the individual.

Still, I’m a woman—and I’m proud to be one.

While I’m fully aware that not all little girls want to wear dresses (I didn’t as a child), I’m equally more than aware that some do (my husband’s mini-me—my daughter—for example).

So, the thing is, I’m going to also be a proponent for being allowed to be proud that I’m a woman and of everything that this means to me, even if I’m also suggesting that what being a woman means to me is, and should be, vastly different than what it is for someone else.

And I want to be able to loudly proclaim my pride about both my femininity and the strength and ferocity that I equate this gleaming title with.

I’m a woman. I love tall boots and tight jeans.

I love long hair blowing in the wind and short hair, freshly chopped off.

I love both my small breasts and my swollen, pregnant ones.

I love wearing my husband’s shirts and form-flattering dresses.

I love shiny rings and sweaty skin.

I love reading a book and then watching the movie.

I love my aggressive attitude and my tender heart.

I love throaty, head-tilted-back laughs and seductress glances that come from the pit of my stomach.

I love a new bra and a worn-in t-shirt.

I love gold-flecked lipgloss and four coats of black mascara.

I love fresh-faced mornings in a sexy cotton robe and talks that could go on for hours.

I love sex. I love my body (after a long time of hating it and teaching myself how to love it).

I love that my body is preparing to give birth and the way my skin hangs differently from having my first child.

I love my independent spirit.

I love the way writing makes me come alive.

I love my bare nails and believe that nothing can have too much glitter.

I love raunchy humor and subtle smiles.

I love perfectly placed exclamation points and unexpectedly blunt periods.

I love everything about being a woman and, most of all, I love that female readers will probably bombard this post with raging comments that this is not a woman, to them, at all—because we are all unique and self-defined.

But, I’m a woman.

And I love my gender, my sexuality, my femininity and my rebelliousness against it too—and I want to celebrate these things just like we want to celebrate other facets of self-identity that are less categorical and likely to offend.

Yet being a woman isn’t something that’s black and white.

Take this story about Indian sprinter Dutee Chand.

Chand is being told she can no longer compete as a woman because her testosterone levels tested too high.

Yet Chand is a woman. She celebrates being a woman.

Actually, she’s currently fighting this definition that just because her body looks stereotypically different than a “woman’s” and because her naturally occurring testosterone levels are supposedly not low enough to be a woman, that she is still a woman and deserves to compete as one.

Her options, if she wants to compete under current athletic regulations: take drugs or have surgery to suppress the testosterone that her own body makes.

So, yeah, being a woman isn’t black and white.

Some women prefer white cotton panties while others prefer red lace (and some go commando).

Some of us drink our coffee black and some with milk (and others not at all),

But being a woman is something to be proud of; it’s something to be so proud of that we refuse to let others define what being a woman should mean to us—and what it shouldn’t.

So I’ll slip on my new black booties and my snug jeans. I’ll rub my hands over my rounding belly that houses a growing child for possibly a few more days.

And I’ll celebrate being a woman.

I’ll howl it. I’ll roar it. I’ll whisper it. (Depending upon my mood.)

But I’ll apologize to no one for my pride.

Because I’m a woman.

And I’m celebrating what that means to me.

Photo: Flickr/Ton Haex

The post Celebrating Being a Woman. first appeared on Jennifer S. White.

In 1993, when Maya Angelou recited her poem “On the Pulse of Morning” at the inauguration of President Bill Clinton, she became the first poet to make an inaugural recitation since Robert Frost at John F. Kennedy’s inauguration in 1961.

This was a pivotal moment in Angelou’s career. (The poem even received a Grammy.)

Her previous works, including her first of seven autobiographies I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, soared in popularity and her ability to inspire significantly increased in audience.

Many know Angelou for her powerful quotes, but her writing is best known for its strong, clear voice, as well as for its substance and poetic prose style.

Watch her recite Clinton’s inaugural poem and be re-introduced to generations to come.

And to the woman who incomparably placed the depths of the human experience into glorious words, who both uplifts and empowers while encouraging streams of quiet, understanding tears: Thank you.

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
~Maya Angelou

Photo credit: Derek Bridges/Flickr.

The post If You Watch One Thing In Memoriam of Maya Angelou, Watch This. {Video} first appeared on Jennifer S. White.

In this day and age the word lady arguably has many definitions.

Let’s put it this way, if you’re someone who complains, privately much less publicly, that women want to be independent yet have the door held open for them too, then, in my less-than-humble opinion, you should be automatically disqualified from having to even worry about how to treat a lady.

Hopefully she has someone else holding her hand on her meteoric rise up in the world—and also someone loving enough to want to hold the door for her.

Now, what about if you do have a lady in your life?

She’s someone who lets you know when she’s upset—yet she tries to be as tactful and graceful as possible while she’s putting you in your place—and if she does overstep these rather sensitive moral boundaries, then she always apologizes.

She’s mysterious and lively, intelligent and just plain fun—she’s many things, in fact.

This is a lady.

What exactly do you do with this sort of woman?

Never fear, this lady will give you a few pointers.

1. Keep your sense of humor—you’ll need it.

An emotionally mature woman is still allowed the occasional temper tantrum (in case you weren’t aware).

From time to time, she might go off about not being your housemaid—when, in reality, you know that it’syou who is doing much of the laundry.

She might also—only every now and then mind you—have another glass of wine that she didn’t really need, and her silly sense of humor might temporarily become a little overboard.

These situations, and many others, require a lady’s mate to have a great sense of humor.

Be someone that can laugh with her (never at her)—and also remember to use your own comedic timing to lighten her mood when she does get out of sorts.

2. Don’t pick on her (too much).

I understand that it must be some sort of natural inclination of men, starting around age seven when they discover that there are people without penises on the playground, to pick on ladies that they find interesting.

Be careful how much you pick on her, and know when it’s the right time.

Wrong moments include (but aren’t limited to) that time of the month, as well as anytime when she’s preparing for a holiday or important event that she’s nervous about, while she’s driving, or if she has had that aforementioned extra glass of wine.

It is acceptable, however, to be playful for shorter intervals. (I recommend short intervals, because then you can see how she handles it before you get stuck in an unfortunate situation that might possibly lead her into having to apologize later—although she will, because she is a lady.)

3. Don’t talk about other women.

You’d think that this wouldn’t be an issue, what with all the horror stories out there—yet it’s still an occurrence in some relationships.

Real ladies do not like you to make any reference to other women because, one: she likes having female friends and doesn’t like them to be unfavorably compared to her (which they should always be—keep this in mind); two: being a lady, of course, she has impeccable manners and doesn’t like unnecessary gossip and,three: should you be idiotic enough to actually bring up a scenario where another woman winds up the victor, well, let’s just say that she is officially not held accountable for her subsequent actions. But, more importantly, she also doesn’t like having her feelings hurt because inside all ladies there are tender little girls.

4. Hold the damn door.

Yes, I can understand that some men think that women nowadays want their cake so that they can eat it too. Let me tell you, this is absolutely true—and she also wants you to clean up the crumbs.

What’s wrong with that? She’s worth it and she knows it.

5. Be strong.

What a lady wants more than anything else in the world is a friend who knows her inside and out, loves her anyways, and then treats her with such an unconditional love.

If you want the same thing—a willing partner and an intellectual match—then, please, be strong enough to handle her.

She, no doubt, will try your patience—and she will want you to challenge hers in return. (Just so you’re aware—this is an unspoken rule.)

Do not let her win all the time because she will lose respect for you.

Learn how to delicately stand up to her when you know that she’s not seeing the bigger picture, and, for Godsakes, be able to tell her how you feel too. It will make her less likely to trample you—because a strong women will, without meaning to, sometimes make you feel bulldozed.

Part of being a lady is that she knows exactly who she is—so know who you are too.

If you’ve ever loved a real woman—someone with strength of character and softness of heart—then you’re more than aware that she is worth learning how to work with.

Don’t forget that her feminine complexities are what drew you to her in the first place.

While there are arguably many definitions for a lady—because, thankfully, no one woman is like another—I will assure you of this: they all want to be treated well.

“How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.” ~ Oscar Wilde.

Photo: Dolores Del Rio/Flickr; Alex Schmitt/Flickr.

This article was previously published by elephant journal.

The post How to Treat a Lady. first appeared on Jennifer S. White.

There’s something nearly ubiquitous about moms—they give you tons of advice that you proceed to ignore and then later wish you hadn’t.

Moms are right quite a lot of the time, and I have a vague understand of why, now that I’m a mother too.

And it’s simple. It’s not complex:

Mothers have your best interests at heart.

So, here are ten things that my mom was right about.

1. People need space. When I was 14 and in a relationship with my boyfriend (now husband), I was definitely inappropriately possessive.

My mom told me that this type of behavior has the opposite desired effect. She also told me that if I wanted him to want to spend time with me, that I needed to give him the freedom to do whatever he chose.

Not shockingly, she was right.

If you’re in a relationship, you’ll find that, ironically, when you stop demanding attention that it’s usually more likely to come your way.

2. Take your shoes off in the house. This isn’t necessarily sage wisdom, it’s just good common sense.

3. Don’t be late. I was always late for high school. My hauntingly annoying alarm clock couldn’t even wake me up.

My mom explained to me that when you’re late, you’re placing more importance on yourself than on others.

In short, you’re being a self-centered asshole.

She was right.

4. Say please and thank you. They make everything sound nicer.

Please, stop farting and go use the bathroom.

Thank you for hugging me after my temper tantrum instead of fighting back.

You get the idea.

5. Be kind. My mom is the sort of lady who is kind to everyone.

She doesn’t treat anyone like she’s above them and she’s polite, even to absolute strangers, and, you know what? She’s got a lot of wonderful friends and people who love her.

See, nice guys (and gals) do win. So there. (Oops, wait a minute, my mom taught me not to gloat.)

6. Clean up. My mom is absolutely amazing at keeping a clean house. I am not. This did not work on me (but I tend to think that I’m still in the ignoring advice phase and will shortly be bumped up to the she was right, this works so much better status).

Regardless, I do feel better when I get off my rear and do the dishes and wash the laundry and, you know, take care of my surroundings…because I live in them…and that’s what you do.

I’ll be sure to keep you posted on progress in this arena. (Although, for more accurate information, you should probably just go and ask my husband.)

7. Find joy in your daily life. Oh, I could write an entire book on the merits of this mindset. Come to think about it, I’ve definitely written several articles.

One of my absolute favorite things to do with my mom is go to the grocery store. Yep, the grocery store. Why? Because we have fun!

If you can’t smile and laugh and find the simple joy in those small, seemingly inconsequential aspects of your life and of your day, then, in my not-so-humble opinion, you’re missing the entire point—and you’re definitely missing out.

8. Eat together. We always ate together. It was a big deal in my family.

Sometimes you live alone and sometimes you work alone and sometimes you simply can’t or don’t eat with others—but try to as often as you’re able.

Once you do, you’ll understand immediately why this makes life better.

Food and love are meant to be shared. (And if you think that food and love are not one and the same, then you obviously haven’t tried my gingerbread.)

9. Say excuse me. For example: No, I’m not mad at you, but thank you for saying “excuse me” and going to the restroom.

Moving on…

10. Work hard—and then accept that some things are not within your control. Okay, that might have been a slightly lengthy intro line, but it’s true.

My mama always said to put effort into everything that I do.

If I’m driving, I pay attention to the road. If I’m listening, then I’m not thinking about what I want to say.

She taught me that life requires elbow grease and gumption—and then you have to learn to go with the flow and accept those moments where no amount of personal effort will change your circumstances.

Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans. (Although, that was John Lennon and not my mom talking there.)

Still, same principle.

My mom has a lot of faith that things generally work out for the best if you also try—and, I don’t know about you, but I might be working on putting  #10 into practice for much of my life.

My mom actually taught me a lot more than 10 good things. (Don’t worry.)

She also taught me where the forks go on the table and how to shop frugally—but those didn’t make it on this list because they’re boring.

So thanks, Mom. If I can teach my little girl, your granddaughter, an ounce of the wisdom that you’ve imparted to me, then I’ll consider myself a success.

Now, if I could only remember where those darn knives go…

Photo: Gordon/Flickr.

This article was first published by elephant journal.

The post 10 Things Your Mom was Right About. first appeared on Jennifer S. White.

There’s a falsehood that repeatedly circulates and that fallacy is that people (be it man or woman) don’t like aggressive women—and I wholeheartedly disagree.

And it’s not about being a tactful bitch or even a pretty, smiley one—no, it’s more direct than that.

Here, without mincing words, is how to be a strong, independent, go-getting woman that others will still want to be around.

1. Like yourself.

The way that we treat people comes from within.

When we like who we are and accept everything about ourselves—like our aggressive nature, if we have one—then we’re so much more likely to accept others for who they are—and it shows.

2. Don’t fight.

Yoga practitioners strive to reign in their churning, swirling thoughts by training the mind to be still—but this is not the same as fighting who you truly are.

Some of us are born easy-going, for instance, and some are not. (I can especially vouch for this as a loving mother.) It’s imperative that we own up to our more innate qualities so that we can fully develop them and then let them shine.

3. We are not Gods.

Yes, you can be an aggressive individual who has the confidence to assert yourself easily, but please remember that your way isn’t the only way or always the best way either.

Again, as a mama, my daughter is much less obvious than I am in the way that she shares her opinions and thoughts, but just because she’s a tad quieter and calmer about her delivery doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t pause and appreciate her perspective.

In short, yes, be your aggressive self, but let’s not forget that we are not better simply because we’re louder.

4. Be strong enough to back off.

It takes a lot of personal discovery and, often, experience to learn when a situation calls for boldness and when the boldest action is silence and patience. Continue searching and practicing.

5. Be kind.

An aggressive woman is still a kind one.

Self-confidence is easily mistaken for self-centeredness, although these two don’t have to go hand in hand.

Part of the reason for this faulty bias is that emphatic, self-confident people are not afraid to be big and bold and shiny—and this can be intimidating. Consider that it’s not our job to make others feel comfortable with our own radiance, but, equally, that we can be empathetic and understanding.

6. Own it.

I’ve been writing a book on being a recovered anorexic and a huge part of anorexia is trying to make yourself smaller—and I don’t mean physically.

Everyone is done a disservice when we try to cram our vibrancy into tiny packages to make others more comfortable with our presence.

7. The root of it all.

Get in touch with the why of your fearlessness, because it’s when we act out strongly from a place of fear, intimidation and, basically, ego that we are not being strong—we’re being jerks.

8. Don’t live your life to be liked.

I know that the title of this article involves being liked, but the bottom line is that people will like you while others do not. Living our lives from a place of neediness is not only unhealthy but unattractive.

Be okay with who you are—and be alright with less than perfect appraisals.

The deceptive story that aggressive women are bitches in a negative sense only borders on true when that aggression comes from a personal belief of self-deficiency and a reaction of bullying; driven by a demand to justify and prove our worth.

However, when we connect with our biggest, brightest inner selves and then shine out to the world from this place of love, we’re radiating love and light—and, well, what’s not to like?

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

~ Marianne Williamson

Photo: Richard foster/Flickr.

This article was first published by elephant journal.

The post 8 Tips: How to be an Aggressive B*tch That People Actually Like. first appeared on Jennifer S. White.

When Jennifer and I first started to become friends, our plans to chat were often pushed off by the busyness that all of us deal with—especially moms.

It’s something I think we often do as women: we save what we need for last when, really, to be more effective caregivers, we need to attend to ourselves first.

Think about the oxygen masks on an airplane. They always instruct you to take your own before you help someone else.

It’s not my analogy, but it’s one I’ve read a few times and it always resonated with me. If we don’t take care of ourselves, eventually we will have nothing left to give. The time I take for myself (especially as an introverted parent)makes all the difference in how well I take care of my kids.

So here is my list: 25 things all moms need to do to recharge. ~ Kate Bartolotta

1. Take five minutes to meditate, twice a day. Longer if you can, but even five is tremendously helpful.

2. Read an article that just interests you. Not a parenting article. Not something for work. Not recipes. Not relationship advice. Just something that intrigues the you underneath all that.

3. Keep and/or cultivate friendships with your child-free friends. It’s hard sometimes, but it’s good for both their friendship and the perspective.

4. Spend a third five-minute burst (or 20 minutes when you can find it) with your tea or coffee and your journal. Even if you don’t consider yourself a “writer” it’s good to have a place to put your thoughts where you don’t have to re-frame them or edit them for anyone else’s consumption.

5. Once in awhile, stay out too late and behave inappropriately. You know, not so bad you end up in jail, but bad enough that you wouldn’t want your mom in on it.

6. Soak in the bath. Make it as hot as possible; salts or bubbles optional.

7. Get a tattoo. Somewhere you get to choose who you share it with, something that’s meaningful to you.

8. Play Robot Unicorn Attack. Okay, if that’s not your cup of tea, choose anything silly, frivolous and of no use to anyone to do for a few minutes. Enjoy thoroughly.

9. Ask for help. Learn what the halo of the onset of that overwhelmed feeling looks like and ask for help before you are depleted.

10. Go skinny dipping at least once a summer.

11. Pause. Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat. (I stole this one from Jenn. It’s that important.)

12. Let your phone go to voicemail at night. It can wait.

13. Get up and watch the sunrise at least once a month.

14. Take a few pictures of your child or children sleeping peacefully. You will need that reminder sometimes.

15. Read Neruda, preferably a sonnet, when you get up in the morning. Or read it to someone you love before you go to sleep.

16. Watch Moulin Rouge and sigh about true love (and Ewan MacGregor and Nicole Kidman and the beautiful sets and costumes and El Tango de Roxanne).

17. Read The Little Prince, for the child that’s still inside you.

18. Read Little Birds, because you’re a grown woman.

19. Eat with your hands—it isn’t just for kids. Pomegranate, mango, blackberries. Let yourself slow down and enjoy.

20. Pay attention to how your body feels before you answer “yes” or “no” to doing something. It’s okay to say no when it’s what you really mean.

21. Stay up and watch the sunrise with someone you love to talk to.

22. Write! Keeping a journal is like writing your own history.

23. Go out with friends that make you laugh so hard you cry. (And skip the “friends” that do the mean girl, competitive mom or gossip thing. High school is over.)

24. Make a wish. Use a star, a wishing well, a four-leaf-clover, 11:11. Keep that whimsical place in your heart that allows for wishing.

25. Lay down in the grass in the middle of the day and look at the sky.

It’s absolutely true that there’s no better job in the world than being a mama.

Hands down, it’s the most rewarding—yet demanding—career path that a woman could follow.

Thankfully, there are plenty of rejuvenating things that mothers can do for themselves when they need a pick-me-up, be it large or small.

Here’s my little list—from my mother’s heart to yours. ~ Jennifer S. White.

1. Spend time with a girlfriend talking about your deepest thoughts and feelings—and then listen to hers.

2. Paint your nails—yourself (moving meditation in action).

3. Get a massage—regularly.

4. Sleep in.

5. Wake up early—by yourself.

6. Dance without music.

7. Read a book that opens your mind.

8. Read a book that opens your heart.

9. Learn how to say “no”—and then do it.

10. Yet remember when it’s important to say “yes”—for you.

11. Share dessert with someone you love (friend, lover, child or furbaby).

12. Take a yoga class. (Bonus points: a different style than you usually practice.)

13. Look in the mirror and tell yourself—out loud—that you are the most beautiful woman in the world. (Repeat as often as necessary.)

14. Think of one thing that you’ve wanted to do for a long time and have put off for others, and then make steps to doing it now.

15. Buy yourself a piece of jewelry.

16. Wish on the first star you see tonight.

17. Take a book to bed—in the middle of the day.

18. Have a girls night out that extends beyond 10 o’clock.

19. Learn to ask for help before you desperately need it. (Good for the entire family.)

20. Pause. Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.

21. If you don’t have much “alone time” during your day then make sure to look up at the sky and drink in the beauty and joy of your life—nothing lasts forever. Enjoy it—all of it.

22. Buy a new CD or download a new album—new as in contemporary/current—and listen to the entire thing without stopping it once.

23. Smile. That’s right—right now—smile. Hold it….hoooooold it.

24. Take a pottery class. (For me, personally, see # 14.)

25. Write your own list—every damn day.

Photo: Hans Splinter/Flickr.

The post 50 Things Moms Need to Do for Themselves. ~ Kate Bartolotta & Jennifer White first appeared on Jennifer S. White.

I hope this isn’t a disappointment, but this particular article is about one of the most sacred relationships that’s ever existed: the friendship between women.

From Ruth and Naomi to the Ya-Yas, some of the best stories ever written have been about the power and depth of the connection between female friends, and for a valid reason—women who have amazing friends can’t imagine life without one another.

And I’ve been thinking a lot about the special ladies in my life because I’m in a spot that makes my friendships exceedingly difficult to spend time on.

My family’s needs—and my own—leave almost no room for phone conversations, much less frequent girls’ nights out. Plus, many of my besties live far away and, well, friendship is something that needs tending to in order to continually blossom, much like a romantic relationship.

So here’s a short list I’ve compiled about how to love another woman—and how to offer ourselves as best friends.

1. Judge less, listen more.

Placing our own life’s experiences and personality traits onto a friend’s situation is not ideal.

Yes, it’s often nearly impossible to not take mental notes about how we would do things differently, but my suggestion is this: don’t only verbally judge a friend less, offer yourself the freedom to listen without needing to assess the information.

This is different than a friend hurting herself or someone else, and this is also taking into consideration that a friend is a healthy, positive influence in my life. Having these crucial requirements met—people are not the same.

Sure, I might never have said that out loud to my mother-in-law, but we choose the friends we do because they compliment us, not because they mirror us.

Enjoy these differences and try to really listen to her more and talk back—and even think critically and responsively—less often.

2. Have fun together.

Just like romantic partners need to go out and have fun together from time to time—in order to be reminded of why they like spending time with each other in the first place—it’s equally important for girlfriends to have fun together.

Not everything in a friendship has to be serious and soul-baring, and it also doesn’t have to be elaborate, expensive or overly time-consuming. (Seeing that many of my friends are young moms, we don’t have that as an option anyways.)

For example, one of my favorite things to do is meet my best friend for a yoga class. We both get to practice our yoga, and if we have time we’ll grab a coffee together.

Speaking of coffee, I often meet my other best friend for coffee before getting our kids from school. We usually have only 15 minutes to interact, but this time is hugely important in my life (I realize this when I have to skip out).

3. Look at her.

We get used to barely looking at the people that are part of our daily lives.

Make sure to take time to pause and look into a friend’s eyes when talking with her. Notice how she’s standing. Typically these little things can inform us about what a friend might not be saying.

4. Touch her.

People need physical touch. Especially when a friend is single or her partner works a lot—frankly, many of us need more human touch than we get.

Don’t be afraid to hug and kiss a friend on her cheek.

5. Be perceptive.

A good friend is not necessarily someone who makes over-the-top gestures. A good friend is the one who knows how I like my coffee.

She knows that when I haven’t been answering texts this means that I’m either upset or busy, so she checks in on me—possibly making “too many” calls and sending several messages (and she knows that it’s not “too many” for me).

And a good friend understands that it’s these little things that make you special to her and vice versa—and you celebrate these quirks together.

6. She can stand up to me.

An ideal friend is someone who, absolutely, doesn’t critique me unnecessarily. On the other hand, my dearest friends can tell me if they think I’m making a mistake or they can offer a piece of wisdom that they think would help me.

For example, I was finally having to deal with teaching my daughter to apologize awhile back and my friend chimed in, letting me know that a much healthier way to do this is to show young kids to ask others “are you okay?” rather than say “I’m sorry.” This teaches empathy instead of reinforcing guilt. Good to know!

And the best friendships? When I can reciprocate this. We’re on equal ground and we respect each other enough to be honest when necessary and no one is regularly feeling bull-dozed by the stronger personality.

7. Forgive her.

She will make mistakes.

I will make mistakes.

Everyone on God’s green earth will make mistakes.

If a friend is wonderful enough to be in my life, then I need to know to forgive her and, better yet, help her forgive herself too.

8. Stay out of her other relationships.

It’s fine and dandy to have friends in common—some amazing friendship circles work this way.

Still, I need to keep in mind that just because I don’t happen to like Suzie Q, she’s allowed to. I should stay out of her other friendships when they don’t involve me, and if I respect her, then I can respect the people she chooses to bring into her life, other than me.

Honestly—I don’t know how some women make it through life without girlfriends. I know that life, for me, would not be worth living.

“Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow.” ~ Swedish Proverb

Photo credits: Valerie Everett/Flickr.

This article was first published by elephant journal.

The post 8 Tips How to Love a Woman, From A Woman. first appeared on Jennifer S. White.

Call her a pampered-princess type—you’d be right.

She knows her worth and value and she demands that her lover does too. (Lesson one.) You know, let’s just cut to the chase and dive in.

How to love a strong and complicated woman.

First, be open.

Because she will probably want to pull the blankets up over her head from time-to-time; closing herself—and her thoughts—off from the world—and the world includes you.

She’ll want you to know how she feels, of course, but she won’t always feel up to telling you. This will make your relationship challenging for both of you, because open communication is necessary for two people to properly understand one another without, well, misunderstandings.

So please talk to her about your own feelings and thoughts—your sharing will encourage hers.

Also, don’t be afraid to ask her questions, but do try being gentle rather than probing. (She says thank you in advance.)

And let’s get this out into the open right away: Complicated women who pretend that they are not complicated are a challenge.

You have your work cut out for you.

Don’t get me wrong, there are uncomplicated women—just like there are men who will see this article’s words and find themselves written here for their lovers to read.

Because sharing the same sex doesn’t make us the same person.

On the other hand, any woman with close girlfriends will be able to tell you that women, very generally speaking mind you, have their own ways of communicating and, sometimes, even thinking—all I’m suggesting is that it’s okay to admit it.

No, I’m going a step further and saying that if we do admit this that all of our relationships—be it a friendship or romantic partnership—will be easier because—re-read the first statement above and repeat after me: open communication is necessary for two people to properly understand one another.

 Okay, so back to the self-declared-uncomplicated-yet-complicated woman.

I’m probably not the best authority in this arena, because I often put my eccentricities on display (obviously).

However, I will tell you this: let her go on pretending that she’s not complex—you will not change her mind. This is a realization that she must come to own her own (or another woman who is a close enough friend can point it out to her—not you).

Why?

Simple—reflect upon the moments when you’ve probably “accused” her of being difficult to understand; likely they’ve been those times when you were irritated, and your words and thoughts were not coming from a completely loving place.

So, ladies, consider being more forthright about your needs—with him and with yourself—and, gentlemen, keep in mind that your own sharing and approachable receptivity will help her to come out of her shell—even if it’s at seemingly tortoise-like speeds—but, in the meantime, practice patience with her. (Because she’s worth it.)

Additionally, part of the reason that she’s being so emotionally reserved is that, like many of us, she’s afraid of rejection, and this fear—however subconscious—leaves her with a fragile vulnerability.

Which brings me to…

 Give sincere compliments.

Everyone needs to be told—out loud—what’s great about them—everyone.

However, the complicated woman probably needs more compliments than your average bear, or lady as the case may be.

Yes, she’s strong (we’ll get to that later). Still, inside every grown and gorgeous woman is a little girl wanting love, affection and attention—and, honestly, if most people search themselves they, too, will find a child wanting to be shown love.

 If you can’t handle this, walk away now—and good luck finding any woman—or any lover—who doesn’t need the occasionally verbalized compliment.

Remember the sincere part, though.

You certainly don’t want to hand out so many compliments that they become expected or, worse, canned and phony.

Still, there are most likely two reasons why a woman would ask you, for example, how she looks in something:one, she genuinely wants to know how she looks, in which case you should be honest and not let her leave the house in something hideous—proceed with caution here—or, two, she’s fishing for compliments because you rarely give them to her unless she asks—99.9% of the time, the latter is the reason.

Moving on.

Let’s shift over the strong aspect of your lady love.

Strength, like many personal attributes, is subjective. I define a woman with strength as someone who knows what she wants, who isn’t afraid to go after it and who has her own independent mind and life.

In short, if I were you, I wouldn’t glance in any other woman’s direction but hers because you’ll find that she’s fun, fiery and full of excitement since she knows herself thoroughly and can’t wait to discover more with you.

So how do you love a woman like this?

You must be strong too (see aforementioned description)—and the reason for this isn’t complicated like she is.

A strong woman wants a partner—an equal, someone to challenge her when necessary and who is steady enough to lean into—without getting bulldozed—when life gets hard.

She might act like she always wants to get her way—she might even think she does—but, in reality, she doesn’t want to romance—or be romanced by—a push-over.

This doesn’t mean that she doesn’t want you to be sensitive, to always consider her viewpoint and to compromise, but it does mean that she wants you to stand up for yourself when you need to—because she wants to love and respect you enough in return that she, too, has to be sensitive, to always consider your viewpoint and to compromise.

Again, a strong woman is looking for a partner to hold her hand and walk with her through life—not walk herthrough life, pulling her hand and being controlling—and, likewise, she doesn’t want to waste her time always guiding you either.

Okay, back to complicated.

Actually, you know what? I think I can save us both a lot of time here; I don’t think there is such a thing as a complicated woman. No, come to think of it, a self-defined complicated woman will give you the least amount of trouble—and be the least difficult to figure out—because she’s already trying to figure herself out—and then she’s trying to express her revelations to you so that you can fully know her.

And that’s the thing about complicated people: all they’re looking for is someone who gets them—really gets them.

Aren’t we all complicated in our own ways? Isn’t complicated just semantics? Don’t we all have internal idiosyncrasies?

I mean, isn’t it the sum of these individual quirks that make people special, unique and worth getting to know—and then love?

So if you clicked on this article my speculation is this: you either consider yourself a strong and complicated woman, you love one, or you want to love one.

And here’s another thought: you’re already going in the right direction. Because all love has its intricacies and its delicate balances between two hearts and two minds—and it’s not easy for two people to work as one.

It’s not easy, but love is worth it. And she is worth it—you are worth it. Yet, all love depends upon learning and sharing and growing together if it doesn’t want to grow apart. So stay curious.

Be open—and remember that having love inside of you that you want to give readily is, itself, a huge contributing factor towards a relationship’s success and strength. And we’re all strong in our own ways—strength really is subjectively defined.

We all have our own personally distinguishable strengths—and love is simply finding another person who recognizes them and wants to help you make them even stronger.

Because people might be complicated, but I’m not entirely sure that love has to be.

Then again, I guess that love will always be complex—as long as strong, inquisitive, impassioned people are involved.

Photo: Flickr/Thoth God of Knowledge.

This article was first published by elephant journal.

The post How to Love a Strong & Complicated Woman. first appeared on Jennifer S. White.

My shoulders ache.

My neck is tight.

They’re sore from holding up my tired and aching heart.

The world isn’t always an easy place to inhabit.

It can rub a sensitive soul the wrong way, causing abrasions that don’t easily heal and scars that eventually roughen up—toughen up—but it makes my spirit ultimately more vulnerable—more raw—than before.

Yet this is where the beauty of life lies too—within these tender moments that we can simply ignore and drink through or exercise over or pretend, in whatever way we choose, that they don’t exist—that they’re not happening—or we can nurture and tend to our fatigue—tilling the soils of our spirits—so that we don’t dry and whither, but bloom and rise, with new, green shoots aiming for the sunny, blue heavens.

And I do this as follows:

I cry. A lot.

I mope. From time to time.

I anger. I become agitated. I yoga my shit out.

I move through asanas and sweat inside of my fleece-lined leggings and bright yellow sports bra—until I realize that it didn’t work.

Because it’s impossible to move past discomfort without experiencing it in full.

It’s improbable, also, that we’ll loosen the grip on our problems without first picking them up and growing more than just accustomed to their weight—in order for us to find this burden light enough that it’s nothing now—we can bench press more.

So while I believe in erasing old emotional damage from my muscles through poses on my yoga mat, I also know that there are, equally, days that require my yoga mat to be the mirror of my own stillness; my own idleness; my own fragility. And nothing more.

And here’s something I believe in too: music.

I can dig inside of my exhausted heart and muster the fortitude to wade through murky, churning feelings—through the vibrational sharing of another’s own.

Without further ado, here’s music to hold up a tired heart (and a playlist for days when you’re taking time off from your yoga mat):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y0jirlfhyz4

http://vimeo.com/13210965

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pjqre-8igAQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqP3wT5lpa4

You’ll likely notice that these songs aren’t all feely-good-pick-me-up-and-rainbow-smile anthems.

No, these are melodies that will hold you, though—right where you are. They will cradle you inside of the current feeling where your heart resides.

Because what’s truly burdensome is pretending to be someone—or somewhere—we’re not.

 “The moment that you feel, just possibly, you are walking down the street naked, exposing too much of your heart and your mind, and what exists on the inside, showing too much of yourself…That is the moment, you might be starting to get it right.”

~ Neil Gaiman

Photo: photosteve101/Flickr.

This article was first published by elephant journal.

The post 15 Songs: Music to Hold a Tired Heart. {Videos} first appeared on Jennifer S. White.