{"id":3115,"date":"2015-01-07T00:28:38","date_gmt":"2015-01-07T00:28:38","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jenniferswhite.com\/?p=3115"},"modified":"2015-01-07T00:30:57","modified_gmt":"2015-01-07T00:30:57","slug":"im-sorry-i-love-you-too-much-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jenniferswhite.com\/im-sorry-i-love-you-too-much-2\/","title":{"rendered":"I’m Sorry I Love You Too Much."},"content":{"rendered":"

\"4282243976_489916bbd8_o\"<\/a><\/h3>\n

Love isn\u2019t static.<\/h3>\n

It swirls around you like balmy air sent up from the south.<\/p>\n

The wind catches your hair, and a few strands stick in the moist crease of your lips. You reach with your hand to move it, but you don\u2019t have to because he gets there first and brushes it aside.<\/p>\n

He gently touches your cheek with his slightly coarse fingertips (from working on his bikes in the garage).<\/p>\n

You look up into his eyes (he doesn\u2019t have to tilt your chin to him with his hand because you\u2019re assertive enough to move yourself), and your shared gaze lingers a beat past your comfort zone\u2014and in that moment you learn a lot.<\/p>\n

You learn that you\u2019re vulnerable, and that you need him\u2014and you think you saw that he\u2019s not as afraid of this as you are.<\/p>\n

He\u2019s not afraid to be vulnerable, because he\u2019s naturally confident and understands his emotions much better than you know you\u2019ll ever understand your own, and it\u2019s not because you don\u2019t want to be raw and open and accessible\u2014it\u2019s just because you\u2019re scared.<\/p>\n

What are you afraid of?<\/em><\/p>\n

Are you afraid that he\u2019ll hurt you?<\/p>\n

No, that\u2019s not it.<\/p>\n

Are you afraid that he\u2019ll leave?<\/p>\n

No, he\u2019ll never do that.<\/p>\n

Are you afraid of death?<\/p>\n

Partially. That\u2019s the only way he would walk away from you, and you both know it.<\/p>\n

Yet, that\u2019s still not it.<\/p>\n

But you know it\u2019s this fear that makes you pull away\u201a that encourages you to fight with him when you don\u2019t even want to (when there\u2019s nothing really to fight about).<\/p>\n

And tears are streaming down your face, but you\u2019re not sure why.<\/p>\n

Maybe it\u2019s because you yelled at him this morning when he didn\u2019t deserve it. Maybe it\u2019s because you know that you were wrong, that you\u2019re needy and hot headed\u2014and that this combination is unstable.<\/p>\n

Maybe you\u2019re afraid because you know that you aren\u2019t stable without him, that you need him<\/em>, because without him the ground is too shaky to walk on.<\/p>\n

And it\u2019s scary to need someone to hold you\u2014and sometimes carry you\u2014across that trembling surface.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s unnerving that in this huge, whole world there\u2019s only one person that you want to hold your hand, and that if he wasn\u2019t there to kiss your cheek and gently stroke your thigh right before you both fall asleep together, that this world would fall apart, that you<\/em> would fall apart.<\/p>\n

Because you\u2019re strong.<\/p>\n

You\u2019re aggressive\u2014but that was a lie. He often has to pull your chin up, and then he has to force you to look him in the eye, because you look away.<\/p>\n

Sometimes it feels easier to look away and pretend that you\u2019re whole enough without him\u2014and maybe you are\u2026enough<\/em>.<\/p>\n

And now the tears are dripping down your nose and falling into the crease of your lips and he\u2019s not there to reach over first and dry them because he\u2019s already gone to bed\u2014he was too tired tonight to deal with your moods.<\/p>\n

And you\u2019re sorry.<\/em><\/p>\n

You\u2019re sorry that you screamed, and you\u2019re sorry that you lied (with your eyes and your cocky stance) because you do<\/em> need him.<\/p>\n

He\u2019s the air that you breathe. He\u2019s the water that you drink. He\u2019s the hole in your heart where it aches after you\u2019ve hurt him.<\/p>\n

Your heavy tears splash onto your keyboard and you get up for a tissue, but settle instead for a napkin because you can\u2019t see anymore and the tissues are all the way down the hall (and besides, you don\u2019t want to walk past the bedroom and wake him up).<\/p>\n

But it\u2019s okay. Soon you\u2019ll crawl into bed after you\u2019ve turned off the light that he kept on for you, waiting.<\/p>\n

And in the morning he\u2019ll reach over and touch your cheek and caress your thigh where he didn\u2019t get to the night before.<\/p>\n

And he knows that you lied to him (with your angry words and your haughty heart), because to him you\u2019re see through.<\/p>\n

He knows that he\u2019s your world because you\u2019re his too\u2014and that\u2019s<\/em> enough.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Photo: Flickr\/I Will Never If You Never<\/a>; Flickr\/The Fisherman and the Syren<\/a>.<\/p>\n

This article was first published by elephant journal.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Love isn\u2019t static. It swirls around you like balmy air sent up from the south. The wind catches your hair, and a few strands stick in the moist crease of your lips. You reach...<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":3123,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[76,49,597],"class_list":["post-3115","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-how-to-love-be-loved","tag-love","tag-relationships","tag-true-love"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/jenniferswhite.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/01\/6964303044_b4277c6b22_z.jpg","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p4dYEp-Of","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jenniferswhite.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3115"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jenniferswhite.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jenniferswhite.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jenniferswhite.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jenniferswhite.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3115"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/jenniferswhite.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3115\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3124,"href":"https:\/\/jenniferswhite.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3115\/revisions\/3124"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jenniferswhite.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3123"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jenniferswhite.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3115"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jenniferswhite.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3115"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jenniferswhite.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3115"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}