{"id":2964,"date":"2014-12-08T15:32:55","date_gmt":"2014-12-08T15:32:55","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jenniferswhite.com\/?p=2964"},"modified":"2014-12-08T15:34:26","modified_gmt":"2014-12-08T15:34:26","slug":"peace-comfort-joy-how-to-stop-being-a-victim-once-and-for-all","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jenniferswhite.com\/peace-comfort-joy-how-to-stop-being-a-victim-once-and-for-all\/","title":{"rendered":"Peace, Comfort & Joy: How to Stop Being a Victim Once and for All."},"content":{"rendered":"

\"11224714194_c013df75fc_z\"<\/a><\/h3>\n

I\u2019m about to admit something extremely uncomfortable; something that I honestly barely admit to myself.<\/h3>\n

I can sometimes have a victim mentality.<\/em> Let me explain.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t see the world as black and white; I used to\u2014but then I grew up.<\/p>\n

I realized that there are many shades of grey and splashes of color, and that pretty much everything in life isn\u2019t \u201cright\u201d or \u201cwrong\u201d or \u201cthis\u201d or \u201cthat.\u201d Instead, our world is made up of emotions (which, by the way, are never wrong, even if they aren\u2019t desirable) and people (who are, obviously, complicated) and situations (which, as the saying goes, always have more than two sides\u2014your version, my version and the truth).<\/p>\n

This said, I find myself grouping people into two categories: those who choose to live their lives as victims\u2014and those who don\u2019t.<\/em><\/p>\n

Yet here\u2019s what\u2019s so uncomfortable about my earlier statement: I don\u2019t want to be a victim\u2014and this, I believe, is step one into moving towards empowerment.<\/p>\n

In order to change and grow and, essentially, evolve as people we have to, well, want<\/em> to evolve and grow and change. To do this, we must\u2014must<\/em>\u2014be open to seeing our flaws.<\/p>\n

So I choose to recognize that I\u2019m prone to having a victim mentality.<\/p>\n

A victim mentality belongs to someone who blames others and sees how situations and people affect their lives and personalities rather than taking responsibility\u2014and power.<\/p>\n

Example: a victim would say, \u201cYou make me so mad,\u201d whereas a non-victim would say, \u201cI feel mad.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sure, people can affect our moods and life circumstances, but we actually retain power\u2014and the ability to change the course of our lives and characters\u2014when we refuse to let another shoulder the blame.<\/a><\/p>\n

And once I accept that, yes, my temper is brought on by another person, but only I<\/em> have the power of choice in between the event and my reaction, I then give myself the ability to change my reaction.<\/p>\n

Because it\u2019s self-sabotaging to live our lives as victims.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s nearly impossible to stop reacting angrily\u2014to continue this example\u2014if I\u2019m always blaming others for making me mad.<\/p>\n

However, if I\u2019m able to see that I was the sole person in charge of my reaction\u2014regardless of how I was treated by others\u2014then I retain the ability to move in a different direction. In short, I become capable of empowerment.<\/p>\n

But this is also where the real difficulty is introduced: in changing our reactions.<\/a><\/p>\n

In my experience this takes real work effort and, sometimes, professional counseling (I am, after all, only writing this from personal experience and observation, not as a licensed therapist). Still, I\u2019m fairly certain that no one would argue the challenge of learning to change our reactions.<\/p>\n

It doesn\u2019t matter if we learned to display anger from our parents or if it\u2019s inborn within us (that old nature-versus-nurture debate) because, at the end of the day, it\u2019s still hard to change.<\/p>\n

Yet one thing that I keep coming back to\u2014one thing that I continually check-in with\u2014after a situation that disturbed me, like an argument or having hurt feelings, is this: did I act as the victim\u2014or no?<\/p>\n

And, if the answer isn\u2019t no, then I reign it in and apologize and try, again and again, to be powerful\u2014to take full responsibility for my actions.<\/p>\n

Taking responsibility for the things that we think, do and say gives us the absolute capability of making ourselves better\u2014and it gives us the capacity to <\/em>feel better too.<\/em><\/p>\n

We can say, \u201cThis person always instigates a response of anger in me and I continually allow myself to act badly in their presence\u2014maybe I should choose to not spend time with this person, or maybe I can look at what it is that tends to trigger this response.\u201d<\/p>\n

Because people really are mirrors for what we do and don\u2019t want to see about ourselves<\/a>, and when we give ourselves permission to look at the ugly and not label it as \u201cbad,\u201d we also give ourselves the intelligence that facilitates self-acceptance.<\/p>\n

But, as a friend recently reminded me, self-acceptance is not self-love.<\/p>\n

No, self-acceptance is the start of self-love because we\u2019re beginning<\/em> to see ourselves for who we are, and to accept who we are, rather than to judge and critique\u2014but it\u2019s not the same as love.<\/p>\n

Love is something that\u2019s less analytical\u2014even if the analysis is not passing judgment.<\/p>\n

Nevertheless, offering ourselves the freedom to move away from this despairing victim mentality\u2014and towards empowerment and acceptance for our choices and our reactions\u2014is the dawn of living our lives as the people we want to be; it\u2019s the birth of self-love.<\/em><\/p>\n

And I do<\/em> want to accept myself, even when I\u2019m angry or hurt.<\/p>\n

I do<\/em> want to grant myself forgiveness when I react in a way that hurts another person or myself.<\/p>\n

More, these qualities\u2014forgiveness and acceptance\u2014are some of the key components of love.<\/p>\n

So when we\u2019re able to see, as uncomfortable as the admission is, that we are living our lives as victims and martyrs, we become prepared to welcome a life without suffering.<\/p>\n

But suffering isn\u2019t entirely bad\u2014some, including myself, would argue that it\u2019s necessary in order to fully recognize and feel things like joy and contentment.<\/p>\n

Still, suffering unnecessarily and at our own hands is problematic because it feeds a cycle of illness within our being and our life.<\/p>\n

So, as I decide to own\u2014and honor\u2014my tendency towards self-created injury, I move closer and closer towards the outcomes that I actually prefer: peace, comfort and joy.<\/p>\n

I move away from being a victim\u2014and closer to love.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Photo: Flickr\/Exit<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I\u2019m about to admit something extremely uncomfortable; something that I honestly barely admit to myself. I can sometimes have a victim mentality. Let me explain. I don\u2019t see the world as black and white;...<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2965,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2,9],"tags":[212,582,76,583,584,156,585],"class_list":["post-2964","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-how-to-love-be-loved","category-inspirational-pick-me-ups","tag-acceptance","tag-choice","tag-love","tag-martyr","tag-martyrdom","tag-self-love","tag-victim"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/jenniferswhite.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/12\/11224714194_c013df75fc_z.jpg","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p4dYEp-LO","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jenniferswhite.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2964"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jenniferswhite.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jenniferswhite.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jenniferswhite.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jenniferswhite.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2964"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/jenniferswhite.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2964\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2969,"href":"https:\/\/jenniferswhite.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2964\/revisions\/2969"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jenniferswhite.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2965"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jenniferswhite.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2964"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jenniferswhite.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2964"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jenniferswhite.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2964"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}