Because it\u2019s easy to choose grumpiness.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s easy to choose cranky, bitter, held-hostage feelings of jealousy or comparison or general moodiness. I\u2019ve recognized, too, that much of my moodiness stems from me not living from this place of present purity; like I felt right there, on that pink bed, with my two little daughters by my side.<\/p>\n

Because it\u2019s also easy to realize when life is sticky and uncomfortable; when relationships are challenged and strained; when people are unpleasant and unkind\u2014but it\u2019s equally simple to choose love.<\/p>\n

And that\u2019s it\u2014I choose love.<\/p>\n

I choose to let tears fall down my cheeks when my feelings are hurt.<\/p>\n

I choose to let my heart be worn on my sleeve, even when it feels invisible to the world I inhabit.<\/p>\n

I am not invisible.<\/p>\n

I am loud. I am raging. I\u2019m a swollen river beneath my nursing mother chest, and this river does occasionally overflow.<\/p>\n

It overflows with murky, muddy waters that leak and seep hatred and sadness\u2014but that\u2019s not the real me, that flows like smooth, glassy, quiet water underneath these often overwhelming currents of life.<\/p>\n

And I do choose love\u2014it\u2019s a choice.<\/p>\n

I can choose to let my unexpressed feelings build and pile up until they come out all wrong and not how I really feel them anyways\u2014with ugly words and angry glares\u2014or I can choose to authentically share myself; to release myself from this human, flesh-draped cage and live moment to moment, free.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s this song that I grew up listening to called Puke + Cry<\/em> by Dinosaur Jr. I feel like this song lately.<\/p>\n

I feel this unburdened, deep need to release everything that I\u2019ve held on tightly and unnecessarily to all of these years.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s another song, Glosoli<\/em> by Sigur Ros, and its last two minutes make me want to Puke + Cry<\/em>. It makes me want to let go; truly let go.<\/p>\n

To me, letting go is something I do not do enough\u2014it\u2019s living moment by moment and from my fragile, wounded, strong, resilient soul instead of from false strength, fear and confinement.<\/p>\n

How many of us live from this minute that just past or the one that\u2019s happening in an hour and not from this second, this new second, this now second that\u2019s right here, slapping us in the face to feel everything it has to offer.<\/p>\n

Yet that\u2019s the hard part: feeling everything; feeling it all.<\/p>\n

Because for those of us who are sensitive, empathetic and emotional, there\u2019s usually an awful lot to feel.<\/p>\n

And it\u2019s scary. It\u2019s horrifying, really, to feel that these two little girls sitting on either side of me in a pink and pillow-laden bed are my world and that my world, tomorrow or the next day or the one after that, would be completely different if something happened to them.<\/p>\n

But that\u2019s life. And if I spend my now moments waiting for what might or could happen, I lose the magic that surrounds me every waking minute.<\/p>\n

Still, for those of us (for all of us), who have ever felt true pain, there\u2019s something sickly beautiful nestled discreetly\u2014perversely\u2014inside: this dark reality that beauty resides everywhere, even within an ugly, ugly truth.<\/p>\n

And what I choose to observe and own is what winds up making my reality\u2014I have the power to choose my own reality.<\/p>\n

But life is hard. (No one who ever feels it all will tell it differently.)<\/p>\n

It\u2019s also gut-wrenchingly gorgeous when we let go and let life in; when we let it happen. (And this is what makes me want to puke + cry.)<\/p>\n

And my tiny daughter plays joyously on the floor near me while my other, newer daughter swings softly close by\u2014that moment that gave me such complete elation has already passed. I\u2019m so glad I saw it and took it in, even though it\u2019s gone.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n