I found out this week about the loss of an old friend.<\/p>\n

I haven\u2019t spoken to this friend since high school, and I\u2019m now in my 30s. I was surprised at the amount of sorrow I felt when hearing this news.<\/p>\n

This isn\u2019t the first one-time pal I\u2019ve had to say a permanent goodbye to, and this isn\u2019t the first time I\u2019ve felt this feeling\u2014guilt at my grief.<\/p>\n

Loss becomes convoluted when you\u2019re an outside party.<\/p>\n

I think much of this guilt comes from digging deeply enough to ask myself if I\u2019m sad for this person in the same way that I would be if I heard about an absolute stranger\u2019s passing\u2014in my compassionate connection with humanity rather than from my connection as a one one-time friend. Yet, when I discover that old memories and straggling recollections that I thought were long buried are indeed re-surfacing, I\u2019m perplexed to find that I still feel guilt.<\/p>\n

While this isn\u2019t the first time I\u2019ve dealt with this, it\u2019s the first time I\u2019ve dealt with it now, in this body, in this self, at this time. I\u2019m older and in many ways, I know that I\u2019m wiser. Still, this much earned insight takes a distinct backseat to feelings of undeserving.<\/p>\n

Do I deserve to\u00a0mourn\u00a0when his family is clearly in terrible pain? The kind of pain that can only come from knowing someone well and daily\u2014the kind of pain of the immediate family. My guilt wants me to answer \u201cno,\u201d but emotions are funny things\u2014they have a habit of not listening to your head.<\/p>\n

Instead, I find myself feeling the kind of unfortunate elation that accompanies times of tragedy; happiness that\u2019s actually painful when coupled with\u00a0the blurry edges of something like woundedness.\u00a0Life becomes sharply in focus during times like this. Everything is so achingly and hauntingly gorgeous when placed beside suffering.<\/p>\n

Bereavement highlights life\u2019s delicate graces, but it\u2019s still ugly and undesirable, and I often feel I\u2019d much prefer the kind of average joy that comes from not knowing this partner, this opposite\u2014the discomfort of anguish, but I don\u2019t have a choice\u2014and I do feel grief, even if I shouldn\u2019t.<\/p>\n

I swallow the lump in my throat and I release my guilt because it doesn\u2019t help. Rather it makes these feelings that drudge up hard to own and accept\u2014and move forward from.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m thankful that I\u2019m on the\u00a0peripheral\u00a0of this grief, but I know in my heart that someday I\u2019ll be right in the middle while others stand in my presently awkward situation. How will I feel when the tables are turned like this? I might feel angry. I might feel relief. The simple reality is that I don\u2019t know how I\u2019ll feel, and I don\u2019t really want to think about it.<\/p>\n

Because grief is uncomfortable and painful and terrible.<\/p>\n

We can say that we find true happiness from pain or that pain is noble, but I know that I\u2019d never choose it and I usually say these things to myself in order to survive falls that seem challenging to get back up from.<\/p>\n

What will I do with my feelings? I\u2019ll try to look my husband in the eye and validate him every day. I\u2019ll try to find the good in everyone that I come across, especially when it\u2019s hard. I\u2019ll try to remember that joy\u00a0isn\u2019t\u00a0permanent\u2014and neither is misery, and I\u2019ll try to tell myself to not feel guilty over emotions that I can\u2019t easily control.<\/p>\n

So goodbye to my old friend. Goodbye to teenagers hanging out and to troubles that are too heavy for young, still-forming souls.<\/p>\n

Hello to this palpable reality that life isn\u2019t always easy or clear cut. Hello to my authentic self and to this self\u2019s authentic sensations. I see you. I recognize you. I hope that\u2019s enough.<\/p>\n

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