If I Promised Not to Hurt You.
If I promised not to hurt you, would you trust me forever?
Or is human trust only meant to go so far?
My love for you exceeds words, even though I believe I’m very capable of them.
My love for you is, in part, felt as deeply as the snow falling outside because you accept that I am hugely flawed.
I am enormously flawed.
I yell at you when I want deeply to grab your face and kiss you, but can’t because we have two kids and one is needing to nurse and the other wanting to play puzzles.
I hurt you, time and time again.
When we were kids and young-love dating, the wounds were not as deep but they felt like it because we were 14 and less biologically evolved to deal with it.
When we were adults, I realized, finally, that who we are would never be who we have the capacity to be—that is the ultimate flaw of being human.
But I would never hurt you, even though I hurt you all the time.
I’m a total asshole in the morning before my coffee. I’m a complete lunatic when I’m hungry, and the stress of life lately has been difficult for me to bear.
But what if I promised never to hurt you?
What if I promised always to love you; your heart; your body; your mind?
What if I promised you that every time I’ve affected you, it was my own self that was defected and not your own? Would it help to lessen the blow?
And what if I told you that I’ll always hurt you?
I’ve recently been meditating in my yoga room and working on dealing with the depression that has followed our glorious baby’s birth—but I am not now, nor will I ever be seamlessly ideal.
I sit in meditation and I feel reverberate throughout my body the perfection of my soul; of space; of me—and then I walk out from the room and back into reality and I’m gigantically imperfect once more.
Yet what if I promised to always love you, even if I hurt you?
Would you believe that I don’t mean to; want to; avoid to?
Because I will hurt you, even though the thought makes my spirit wretch.
And I do love you—over and over again, and time and time again and more than words can share—because you love me, especially my flaws—and I love you and yours.
Photo: Author’s own; Flickr/Handshake man-woman.
