I had a conversation with another mother yesterday while at the yoga studio.

She brought up something that many people think, but don’t always verbalize. Our discussion was about how holiday gift giving and receiving is joyful, but that no one truly wants unnecessary “stuff” cluttering up the house after the excitement of the season has calmed down.

Here are things we can do both prevent giving unwanted gifts, as well as ideas on what to do with presents that we won’t use.

For those unwanted gifts:

1. Give to a shelter.

With me at the yoga studio that day was my out-of-town twin sister. She’s a social worker. Thus, she easily suggested donating duplicate or unwanted toys to a women’s shelter, like one she once worked at.

New toys are typically welcomed by children staying in shelters, as are items like warm hats and gloves. Check with your local shelters to find out what is needed.

2. Return them.

Sometimes gifts aren’t returnable to the giver or the store of purchase (no receipt, sensitive person you’d rather not offend, etc). In this case, one thing I’ve done in the past is take the item, with the price tags still on, to any store selling it. I’ve discovered that most major retailers will take an item, even without a receipt, for credit at the lowest price it was last sold for in the store. My daughter has then used this store credit to happily pick out something else.

You’ll notice I didn’t suggest re-gifting. I’m not a huge believer in re-gifting for several reasons. The first is that if we don’t want it, then we’re simply tossing it off to be someone else’s “problem,” and the two suggestions already offered will have to be repeated anyway, just by someone new. Additionally—well, actually, let’s just get on to the first suggestion in our next list.

How to give gifts that will be used:

1. Be thoughtful.

This seems obvious, but, really, being thoughtful usually means stepping outside of the boxes we subconsciously place our imaginations into when choosing a gift—pun intended.

Typically, we’ll think about “things” people need, like socks (which, by the way, I love giving and receiving warm, high-quality socks) or something we know they’ll love, but not buy for themselves (like jewelry—also one of my favorite things to both give and receive). Yet while these ideas are fruitful, if you, like I, have that one has-everything-buys-what-they-need person you want to give something special to, then think differently.

Alternatives are services or subscriptions. (I’ve given coffee and olive oil subscriptions, for instance.)

The main rule of thumb I use when trying to buy a thoughtful gift for everyone on my list is, “Am I buying something just to cross a name off, or is this genuinely what I want to get?” Answering this question honestly has led me to essentially buy one nice gift for those people I exchange with.

2. Don’t buy a gift.

This, at first, might seem rude if you’ve always exchanged with a particular friend or family member.

That said, families grow and change, and it can become no longer ideal to buy for every cousin or uncle or friend if we now have nieces, children and grandchildren to shop for.

Instead of gifts, if the loved one lives close by, spend time together. Go out to eat or spend an evening entertaining them at home. Many people seriously do appreciate a well-worded card or, in this day of texting, a real-live phone call sharing some holiday love can be deeply appreciated.

After all, the holidays really aren’t about the gifts, are they? We say this, but putting it into practice, for me, has been a game-changer for my own holiday attitude in general.

3. Ask.

And for those people we want to shop for, but can’t come up with something, then, for the love of God, ask.

Yes, this might spoil some surprises or seem unromantic, but asking someone for a list of wanted items or a preferred color is better if, ultimately, they open something they’ll love and use.

So, like I tell my kids, use your words and ask.

The holidays should be joyful, but, if we’re being sincere, for many of us they are stressful too. Even good stress—like getting decorations up, and wrapping, having guests over, and our kids being home on break—is still stress.

I want my children to look forward to the holidays, not dread them because mom and dad were overwhelmed.

Buying simple gifts with meaning behind them, and significantly limiting my shopping list of who I buy for—and of how many gifts I get each person—are hands-downs the easiest ways I’ve grown into welcoming this time of year—and letting go of the holiday-frenzy I’ve felt in seasons past.

This year is my daughter’s first time making a list; it’s the first year I’ve decided to have her sit down and put in writing some of the things she’d like to unwrap.

Partly, I’ve put this off because I wanted her to be aware that the holidays truly are not materialistic, but, mainly, it’s because she intrinsically knows this and looks most forward to the childlike joys of baking together, singing favorite songs, and welcoming family into her home. However, now I’ll be helping out my own mom who has already asked for a list (like in my previously mentioned tip).

Do you have a suggestion that other readers could benefit from on how you manage gift giving and receiving? If so, I’d love to hear from you in comments.

The post 3 Ways to Give the Perfect Gift & the 2 Best Things to Do with Gifts We Don’t Want. first appeared on Jennifer S. White.

Have a less-stressful holiday with the following hard-won advice:

One of my friends, with three kids under the age of five, recently commented that an article she had read about banishing stress stressed her out.

Because “eat every bite slowly” isn’t possible when you are spoon feeding a baby, picking food off the floor, catching a glob of yogurt mid-fall and, yeah, also trying to stab your own fork-full of spinach during this chaos.

Having kids is wonderful—I actually love eating lunch with my girls, too—but eating mindfully is just not the same as even my most hurried lunches while working outside of my home.

Other tips, like my friend pointed out, that don’t translate well, or at all, with the lifestyle of parents are suggestions like “take an hour each day to plan the next day”—ha!—and “let go of stressful situations.” C’mon, this advice is almost a load of crap for any adult, but for parents with young kids, this is absurd.

Instead, parents can do these things to feel less stressed out regularly—especially with the holidays ahead.

1. Laugh.

Laughing at the absurdity of the situation helps immensely.

For instance, when my husband and I were driving and smelled poop in the car, and we pulled over to find the baby sitting in a car seat literally filled with poop, we didn’t laugh. No, we hurried home, with me trying to yoga breathe in the passenger seat, but that only making it worse because each inhale reminded me clearly of why I was attempting to breathe deeply in the first place. I got a migraine, but couldn’t take anything for it as a breastfeeding mom, and it goes on. Later, however, we laughed. A lot. We still laugh about it.

Sometimes, this is all we can do to relieve stress in the middle of near-crisis level parenting situations.

2. Ask for help.

This one, though, is a serious helper. More, it’s good for children to witness adults asking for help. Everyone needs help—everyone.

I don’t have family nearby and I don’t have many helping hands around me at all, so when I ask for help, I mean it. And I usually get it. I’m feeling more stress-free just thinking of how my parents are coming tomorrow to help with an appointment I have scheduled.

This also is true if you, like I, will be the one hosting a holiday dinner. If you need someone to bring the pumpkin pies or an extra side, then ask! Narrowing down the menu and asking those attending to bring something—anything!—like the wine, or even extra chairs, is essential.

3. Exercise.

Sure, how I exercise as a stay-at-home mom is not the same as how I did before. Still, even the 20 to 30 minute Pilates breaks I give myself when one kid is watching a show and the other is playing on a mat next to mine, are stress-relieving beyond words.

Just yesterday, when I felt like I was going to tear my own hair out at the baby being fussy all day long, I ran down to the basement, grabbed a few free weights to bring back up, quickly pressed out a couple sets on my bench press and—boom!—half an hour later my husband is walking in the door and I felt ready to comfort him when an hour later it was he who wanted to tear his hair out.

4. Keep it simple.

I would love to go back to where both my husband and myself are from—our families live five minutes apart, us having been high school sweethearts—but we don’t.

After moving a few hours away and having two kids, we welcome those who want to visit us, but we stopped creating an environment of stress that is, for us, how traveling and not having our kids’ routines, beds, etc makes us feel.

I want our kids to look forward to holidays, not dread them because mom and dad are freaking out.

5. Be less anal-retentive.

I had this revelation the other day that I am the worst at being a Type-A personality of anyone I know. Seriously, I get an F at being anal.

Nope, when company comes over, like will happen next week when the holidays officially start at our house, I won’t care if every toy is in its place, or even if my consistent pile of clutter in the kitchen is perfectly cleaned up. Yes, I’ll definitely give the bathroom a quick once over, with some fresh towels, but gone are the days when I worry about a single hair still in the sink.

My house is messier, but my sanity is much more intact.

6. Choose your battles.

This is a tried-and-true saying for a reason.

So my kid wants to wear something different than what I had in mind? Who cares. It’s not the end of the world if her dress is worn with neon yellow socks instead of white frills. Actually, I largely always let my daughter pick out her own clothes because—repeat after me—pick your battles, and feel the stress trickle away. (I’m looking at you, other Type-A parents.)

7. Have a kids’ menu.

There’s this argument out there lately, that I keep seeing on Facebook and in articles, that kids’ menus are ridiculous, and that children should be eating what the adults eat, or not at all. This is completely and utterly not true.

Anyone who says this has either never been a kid themselves (unlikely), doesn’t remember being a kid (possible), doesn’t have kids or has kids who will eat anything and everything (in this case, fuck you)—all of these kinds of people are officially excluded from this conversation.

Will I be placing a plate of our famous brined and buttered turkey with a side of potatoes and green-bean casserole on my daughters’ plates this year? Yes. Will I refuse to grab some cheese and hummus—their typical staples—if they refuse to eat? No. I am not a martyr and I want to enjoy my own plate of turkey.

8. Take social media breaks, but for the love of God, don’t announce it.

In case the world has forgotten, we can do things like unfriend people on Facebook and take social media breaks without announcing them. Just a heads up.

That said, we should take breaks from social media during stressful times, like the holidays.

For one, social media can stir up upsetting emotions and thoughts, and taking a short break—even an afternoon—can be hugely rewarding. For another, what are we really doing using social media when totally stressed out? No good can come of this. This is when we get irritated easily or, worse, we become one of those drama-filled posts that no one wants to see. (The kind of thing we’re taking a break from.)

So take a break. Quietly.

I think I’ll leave my little list of tips here because, frankly, parents only have so much time to read an article without, you know, getting stressed out.

Do you have a tip that other parents could benefit from? If so, I’d love to hear from you in comments.

The post 8 Realistic Tips to Reduce Stress. {Parents’ Holiday Edition} first appeared on Jennifer S. White.