I write primarily about parenting. 

This means that I regularly have to decide which photographs of my children and myself are appropriate to share and, equally, which words and stories are appropriate too.

I highly value honesty and transparency—actually exposing “real life” and encouraging authenticity within the world I’m raising children are at the heart of why I write. Yet I’m ironically a private person who respects my family’s privacy above all else.

When writing, I have to remember things like my husband’s boss could be reading what I write, as could my mother or my best friend. This means sharing genuine life experiences while also considering the feelings and needs of those around me.

I’ll be completely honest: I cringe when I see someone share something overly embarrassing about their child on social media. If I were this kid and my mom wrote that about me on Facebook, I would be mortified. I then wonder, was it really worth a laugh? Or, wasn’t there someone in “real life” that could provide sympathy rather than asking all of Facebook for it?

On the other hand, as a stay-at-home mom, my adult interaction is, shall we say, limited (read: non-existent). Social media is, possibly pathetically, sometimes my only “friend” interaction for the day.

Following are the few tips that I’ve personally implemented to make social media something positive within the daily structure of my life.

1. Don’t use social media until consuming at least one cup of coffee.

I break this personal rule all the time, and each time I do, I remember why I generally enforce it upon myself: pre-coffee, blurry morning messages and comments aren’t necessarily a big deal, but I’ve had some…embarrassing emails go out.

If you’re a coffee drinker like I am, this will make complete sense.

2. Don’t use social media after drinking alcohol.

This is playing with fire, plain and simple. There is just no good justification for having two glasses of wine and commenting all over Facebook.

3. Pretend our boss or mother-in-law can read our social media.

Now, in this day and age, many of us do have co-workers and in-laws on social media. Even if we don’t, though, it’s a good idea to refrain from over-sharing and publishing photographs and commentary that could or would offend people like those we work with or the people we love.

4. Share news off-line first.

This pertains specifically to people close to us.

Sharing big news, and things like invitations, in person or via phone call or text whenever possible is polite, kind and overall the best thing to do.

5. Protect privacy that is not ours.

This might seem rich coming from a blogger who often writes about parenting and love. However, I try to write about my perspective within these experiences and refrain from over-sharing about my husband or children because, frankly, it’s not my place to share their lives.

6. Take time to unplug.

My best friend and I often say that we’re unplugging for a bit because social media is making us feel stabby.

Sometimes, the adult thing to do is to realize that social media can bring out emotions that are hard for anyone of any age to deal with—feelings like envy or being left out can make social media something that detracts from life rather than adds to it.

One of the best ways I’ve found to ensure that social media is useful in my life rather than harmful is to take time away from it, at least from time to time, and live out in the real world with real-live people. This way, when I do get back on Instagram or Twitter, it’s enjoyable instead of irritating.

7. Contemplate selfie usage.

I’m absolutely someone who posts the occasional selfie.

I initially started taking selfies when pregnant with my second child, and it finally dawned on me that I never have any photographs with my child because I’m always taking them. So the selfie began.

Still, if our entire Instagram account is filled with selfies, I think it’s best to reflect upon why—why are we taking these selfies.

A friend pointed out once that selfies are the modern-day self-portrait. I love this artistic perspective. I also took selfies, as suggested earlier, because I didn’t have people above waist height around me during the day to take pictures when, for example, I was pregnant and my twin sister, who lives two hours away, wanted to see the bump. I turned to photographing my own growing belly in my bedroom mirror.

But photograph upon photograph upon photograph of a facial close-up at the same angle? No. Just, no.

These rules might not apply to all of us, but it is important to check in with why we use social media as well as with how it’s affecting our lives.

For stay-at-home parents with long-distance family and friends—like my situation—social media is a great way to stay connected and to have adult conversations. Additionally, I began using many of my social media accounts to connect with readers.

Which is one of the coolest things about social media: it takes away the middle man and connects us to celebrities who inspire us or bands we love listening to, and it’s a way that anyone anywhere can share themselves with the world.

Alternately, though, this is precisely why grown-ups need to take care of how we are using things like Facebook—because more people have access to our thoughts, feelings and photographs than we often realize.

The post How to Use Social Media Like a Grown-Up. first appeared on Jennifer S. White.

Facebook and social media can be addicting.

Studies have actually shown a similar activation within the brain as with drugs.

Yet many of us aren’t necessarily addicted to, let’s say Facebook, as we are wasting time.

How do I know I’ve had too much Facebook? By my attitude.

First off, there’s a valid reason for social media, especially with us thirty-somethings, like myself.

My friends and family don’t live near me, and, further, as a mom with two active children, who wants to devote real-life time to them, I don’t want to spend my day texting and sending photos individually—so I turn to things like Instagram and Facebook to connect collectively, to help further relationships I value that might otherwise stall, and, frankly, to save some time.

This said, I know that I’ve been on Facebook too long when I begin to feel catty or mean.

For me—I’ll be honest—this doesn’t take long.

I have a short window of patience in general, and too many cheesy “my family is perfect” moments or “look at how we still get to hang out as a couple despite also having small children” type pictures just get under my skin.

And, yes, I realize this is a reflection of my own wishes for dates with my husband or friends to chill with or for whatever that I think I desire or need—and this is when I know that I need to hop back off-line and back into my actual, living, breathing daily life.

Because happiness is not created through candid photographs or a new, cute top—not that I don’t also love sharing these types of experiences on social media or find them completely invalid in general.

Happiness is breathing into—not through—the life that we currently inhabit and finding joy there; finding a spark of something beautiful, even when feeling depleted, or moving forward, or changing courses, or staying the course.

Happiness is not found on Instagram, or Twitter, or Facebook—and when I begin to question just a hair too much the beauty that resides in my own waking life, that’s when I know that it’s time to do these things instead:

1. Sleep.

I love sleep. Love it.

And now, as a parent who never gets enough, I appreciate good sleep too. So, please, let me share this with you:

Leave your phone outside of the bedroom and, for the love of God, go to sleep rather than peruse Facebook. It will be there tomorrow, trust me.

2. Exercise.

Most of my favorite yoga and Pilates workouts and podcasts are an average of 20 minutes long. The next time you’re on Facebook, notice how it easily eats up at least that much time.

Also, I can bring some free weights upstairs from my basement gym and press out a few strength-building sets within a 20-minutes time frame too.

Point: moving our bodies makes us genuinely feel good—inside and out—and it’s free and device-less and less time consuming than patrolling Facebook.

3. Read.

I hadn’t planned on reading the new Harper Lee novel, but, against previous plans, I decided to.

Yet, last night, when my teething baby wouldn’t fall asleep and after a day of fussiness, I found myself in the rare position of putting my feet up for a few minutes with nothing in particular to do; with no company, since my husband was now roaming the house with our active, mobile child and my oldest daughter was already in bed.

I, likely more by habit than anything else, picked up my iPhone to peruse my social media and read online news—you know, luxurious activities that I took for granted for many years B.C. (before children).

And then I look over and see Go Set a Watchman on the arm of the couch where I had wisely placed it an hour or so beforehand, perhaps anticipating such an evening’s experience.

I’ll admit putting my phone down wasn’t as easy as it should be, and that I still did snap an Instagram picture of the book in my lap before turning it off.

But I did, and I’m so glad—and, let me offer: it was extremely satisfying to carve out a little chunk of this book to have read—much more so than I could have predicted.

4. Another good thing to do: read to our children. 

I’ve noticed that since I had my second child, that I can never read to my oldest as much as she voraciously craves it. Even five minutes of reading to our kids instead of being on our phones might make more of a difference than we can imagine.

5. Talk on the phone.

Okay, so I’ll own up to not liking to talk on the phone for the most part, but, more than this, it’s just not something I’m either capable of doing, or willing to take the time to do, as this takes time away from my kids in a life that already seems to be moving too fast.

I’m generally doing other things, like reading…and keeping the busy baby safe—you know things like that.

Still, sometimes I’ll be on Facebook—God, I must sound like a huge dork right now. How many times have I mentioned Facebook?

Here—Facebook, Facebook, Facebook! Let’s throw it in a few more.

Anyways, I’ll see a friend’s name and think how it really has been forever since we’ve actually talked. Or, more often, I’ll think of my parents or a friend who isn’t on social media at all, and, at times like these, I decide to make a phone call.

To a real, live person.

No, not texting—a phone call.

Trust me, this is good for us to do, even if it is quickly becoming outdated.

6. Write something.

Writers and bloggers—this is especially true for you. However, writing in a journal is also something that can be wonderful for all of us.

And it doesn’t have to be a spill-your-guts blank book. It can be simple and refreshing and rejuvenating to jot a few easy thoughts that pop into our heads—with our hands and a pen. (But if you are a writer, prepare for your best work to leak out this way.)

7. Don’t multi-task.

Multi-tasking is a myth. It really is.

No one can multi-task well—we’re actually just doing everything poorly.

Speaking of Facebook (ha!), I know we all have at least one family member who has to share the latest, awful news story featuring things like people being killed…right after posting to Facebook.

Dramatic, sure, but it’s absolutely true that we need to focus on the task at hand, whether it’s concentrating on eating a gooey peanut butter sandwich or driving a car.

I’m not saying that Facebook isn’t worthwhile in its own right.

It’s wonderful, for example, for moms like myself who rarely have actual adult contact during the period of a day and for connecting with long-distance friends and family—but it can also be detrimental to life rather than beneficial.

All I’m suggesting is that we notice when it’s becoming something that doesn’t add to our lives or, equally importantly, to our day.

I didn’t write this post to be condescending or to suggest that these aren’t things we can’t all figure out for ourselves, or that we don’t already know we should be doing.

No, this is intended to be a reminder that it’s these seized and ignored opportunities—like a 20-minute yoga practice or a book read to our child—that end up making up the stories of how our lives go.

Maybe it’s the high volume of times I’ve used the word, but is it ironic that it’s called Facebook?

Because I’m discovering that I would rather turn off my phone, at least from time to time.

I’d rather smile out here in the real world, with the people who matter the most.

I want to make my story go the way that I want it to; to look the way that I want it to, in real time.

I’d rather do this than co-exist within a largely fictitious story of one-dimensional pictures and stream-lined plots.

Photo: Flickr/Taking a selfie.

The post How to Know You’ve Had Too Much Facebook & 7 Things to Do Instead. first appeared on Jennifer S. White.

My husband said to me yesterday that it’s called Facebook and not Assbook—because everyone is putting their best faces forward.

Yet, here’s a “real-life” story:

I go to the zoo all the time with my two daughters. Together the three of us ride the carousel, eat snacks at a picnic table and ooo and aaah over animals (and sometimes ewww too).

On the carousel, for instance, I sling the baby and help my oldest child onto her seat of choice (usually the ladybug). Rarely—okay, never—do we get told niceties when the girls are behaving.

We get a small handful of “aren’t they cute” gazes, but, in general, not much attention. (No one, for example, comes up and high-fives me for trying to be a good mama—even though, frankly, that would be welcomed.)

Yesterday, however, I lost my cool a few times. I was physically tired (not that I’m making excuses), and my baby was unhappy (teething—she’s allowed excuses) and my oldest daughter was just in a “trying mom’s already limited patience” mode (or so it seemed). I got plenty of nasty glares. I’m not making up the handfuls of attention that my normally under-the-radar, currently under-the-weather threesome received.

On the carousel, there was a grandma and her granddaughter behind us. She commented, not unkindly, on how the baby wasn’t too happy being in her carrier instead of on a merry-go-round creature. (Normally she loves being eye level with her sister, but, yesterday, that woman was right—she was ready to go home.)

I said something back, along with a smile, “Yeah, it’s barely 11 in the morning and my patience is already used up.”

She awkwardly smiled and quickly looked away—back to fake smiling at her grandkid.

Now I’m not one for unnecessary drama, rudeness or even over-sharing. That said, sometimes people don’t know how to deal with someone being genuine and not fakey polite. (I guess I should have awkwardly laughed back at her—hahahaaa!—and quickly looked away myself after her initial commentary.)

It must be nice to see 30 seconds—or, generously, five minutes—of someone’s day and life and make a judgment.

Actually, yesterday made me a better person because it was a wonderful reminder to not make my own snap assessments of other parents and children when we’re out at the zoo on a better-mood day.

In 30 seconds we can’t see how someone slept that night—or that week, or that month.

We can’t see the postpartum depression beginning to lift, but still lingering, like a fog, or a skipped cup of coffee so the family could have an earlier start to the day.

We can’t see a lot, if we’re being honest.

I put this picture up on my Instagram and personal Facebook accounts over the holiday weekend:

It’s a pretty picture, right?

I took it as a commemoration of my baby’s first Independence Day.

My flow-y dress is feminine and sweet and I looked at her accidentally—naturally—when taking the image, because she was softly cooing at me. I liked this photograph better than all of the other versions, so I shared it.

What isn’t visible is that I smell like the outdoors. I smelled like grass and sweat.

I was playing outside with my girls and husband in this dress and I smelled, not like floral aromas coupled with the subtle scent of baby, but of nature and my own perspiration.

Because social media is not real.

Pictures are real, yes, and they convey an awful lot of authenticity in their own rights, but places like Instagram and Facebook are warehouses for what we want the world to see, not for what we don’t. This isn’t completely bad.

During my conversation with my husband about “Facebook versus Assbook,” he said people solely put up the good stuff. Now, I know we all have at least a couple of relatives or friends who don’t do this.

Instead, they inappropriately share personal dramas and spin their lives as miserable. Usually, I “unfollow” these people, if not outright “unfriend” them.

Because life is hard enough without being surrounded by people who only wish to see the negative.

I also posted this picture on my social media sites yesterday, after that frustrating day:

I took it in the zoo’s aquarium and captioned it this,

“Today sucked, but I saw this (at the zoo). I had a husband who supported me like crazy when I felt like I could fall apart from overwhelm. I ran a mile, at ease, to clear my head. (It was my first time running in a looooooong, loooooooong time—it felt great and I can’t believe I stopped at a mile.) I had my best full-wheel/backbend yoga practice since before having a baby. I ate the best meatloaf I’ve ever heard of (that husband again). I wrote more in a secret (ssssshhhhh!) book I’m working on. And I sat in the white rocker on my front porch, holding my oldest daughter while we looked at cars. Today, the baby laughed over and over, while repeating her word of the moment, “yeah,” and she ate well and has a good “pincher” grasp. You know what? Today had some really horrible moments—but some absolutely stellar ones too. Nighty, y’all.”

I think more than actually caring to put this out there for other people to see and read, I wanted to remind myself that the day had been a challenge, but that a plethora of beautiful moments had happened too.

Life is never all bad or all good. Never. Our attitudes can perhaps be all bad or all good, but life—no. It’s not that dichotomous.

Do I think we should all over-share regularly on Facebook or Instagram about our “real-life” days? No, not really. I’ll be the first to admit that I typically scroll right past a super-long, “self-indulgent” post, and I’m sure people could say the same about what I post from time to time.

So, no, this isn’t a call for social media shares to completely change, but it is a call for us not to forget that social media is not real life.

Let’s remember this especially when we see a mom at the zoo having one bad day—we didn’t see the other, three glorious days she brought her kids in a row, without problems.

Let’s remember this ourselves—we are not pictures of idyllic perfection. We are living, moving, breathing, feeling creatures and not those ideally posed on a merry-go-round for others to admire and enjoy.

Life is not picture perfect, even if we want it to be.

I posted this on my social media sites too; this image of me in the dress that I had worn over the holiday weekend.

I captioned it this:

“You know what we can’t experience through social media? How someone smells. Scent is so huge to me personally. Vivid memories from very early on can come back instantly through a smell. Does this dress look feminine and sweet? Because I smell like the outdoors. I smell like grass and sweat. I played outside with my kids in this dress and quickly threw it back on this morning. Can you see the faint image of my coffee cup? My house smells like freshly ground and brewed coffee in the morning. This world we create online for others to see is not real, on either end. Let’s not forget to get out there and play for real.”

And, as I sit here sipping that photographed coffee from that pink mug, in the dress that almost overwhelming emanates the aroma of too-tall grass, sprinkler runs, sunscreen, outdoor barbecue, gentle summer kisses, and sweat, I think what a world this would be if we all really did try to live and be the best versions of ourselves, while still allowing space for reality.

Photos: Author’s own.

The post It Ain’t Called A**book, Schweetie. first appeared on Jennifer S. White.

I’ve long called my writing genre “stay-at-home yogi.”

This isn’t to say that I don’t enjoy sharing random musings, or writing for various media outlets where I find that it’s best to share these said random musings. But.

But I’m here to offer today that, as writers, we should have an intention for our blogging.

This was recently made all the more clear to me when a reader asked that I consider writing not about motherhood for a change, but about money. Um, no—and bwahahaha! to anyone who knows me in the slightest.

And this also isn’t to say that it’s not easy to fall into this trap of blogging about everything that comes to our minds. After all, blogging is exciting and social media is exciting—especially when it seems that people are really beginning to listen.

I, too, have been guilty of over-blogging.

To be fair, this assessment of my past as a writer and my future of a writer has become easier to appreciate, since I’m currently in full-time Mommyland mode and, for one, being more particular about what I take the time to share on a public platform and, for another, having larger pieces of writing in production (i.e. books) has encouraged me to fully understand how blogging can—and should—be used to further our other writing pursuits—and this is what I’d like to discuss here.

I came into blogging as a natural evolution from journalism.

Reporting for a newspaper doesn’t mean globe-trotting and digging into top-secret stories. Often, it means covering whatever the writer is assigned.

Still, I became appropriately fascinated with news, covering current events and, later on, I found that blogging meant being able to put my own spin on it all (whereas good journalism should contain no personal sway).

However, writers who aren’t focusing on journalism—which is usually the case with blogging—should have a more focused goal for themselves—and a focused genre.

So I’ll use my own example—my “stay-at-home yogi.”

The shortened story is that I was primarily a yoga teacher-slash-writer until having children and moving away from my mother, who watched my kids when I taught.

I saw this move, separation and lack of help coming and began, initially, to write a yoga column for the same newspaper where I was reporting. Then, I gradually shifted into online writing and away from the newspaper scene entirely.

Presently, I consider myself to be primarily a writer and, of course, a mom.

I’m also no different from most writers in that I prefer writing about what I know—which is still my yoga practice and teachings, my children, my life as a parent and my life as a writer and blogger.

My ultimate goal, if I’m being more honest here than I’d actually prefer, is to write books and use my blogging to gain audience for them. (I’m old-fashioned and really find it ideal to shift away from living in front of a computer screen—and books provide this lifestyle with much more practicality.)

Point: my blogging should support my goal as a writer, and I should have a targeted audience with an intended purpose for my writing—anything outside of this can and should be privately journaled and not published. (Here, read this.)

And my own intended audience isn’t just women.

No, the lessons I learn as a parent can be made relevant to all, and I’ve found a supportive readership from men as well as from women, in addition to other mothers.

Still, writing about money—as that one reader suggested—doesn’t fit into my writing world that I’m creating—at all.

Four questions to ask ourselves before we hit submit, publish or share:

1. What is the purpose, intention and goal of my writing?

I’ll share mine: to remind everyone—including and especially myself—that life is made up of little, tiny, seemingly inconsequential moments that make up our lives, and that staying present and mindful as we move through them means not missing out on anything. This also means staying present for those less than stellar moments, and much of my blogging pertains specifically to how to deal with these types of stressors (which is where my yoga practice comes in).

2. Why do I want to share this?

Let me be thoroughly honest here: I see a lot of blogging out there right now that makes me question the intention—and the wellness communities that I typically write for are not exempt.

For example, is this writing self-serving to our ego, or is it written to gain sympathy rather than to actually help other people?

In other words, always ask yourself after writing something: is this helpful to others or is this more of a rant that can be saved for my own privacy?

3. How is social media supporting my writing?

Speaking of over-sharing, there’s also Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, etc to consider, especially as a blogger.

These types of social media can absolutely be used to further advance a writer within a specific genre and towards a wider audience with a specific goal.

Personally, I’ve found both Instagram and my Facebook author page to be great places to connect with readers, while staying inside of the framework of what I find appropriate to share from my life and myself.

4. What is my ultimate goal as a writer?

Now, this can be a hard one, as writers definitely should write because we can’t not write. Meaning, we write because it sets us on fire and the words come and we can’t stop them. But—there’s that but again—as a published writer, where do you see yourself?

As I’ve shared, I see myself as a book author who blogs a bit to stay in touch with the world.

Maybe you see yourself as a yoga teacher who supports and supplements with yoga blogging too.

Ask yourself these questions and if the answers are foggy, then spend time pinning down specifics.

The way that I see blogging and writing is more than a hobby. Writing, for me, is a career.

Because it’s difficult to take a writer seriously who doesn’t take herself seriously. It’s also challenging to find an audience if no one knows what to expect when a new piece goes up. More, blogging is an ideal platform for those of us with many interests and who enjoy quick bursts of creativity—like, ahem, a stay-at-home yogi.

And being a mom has taught me more than I ever could have expected about being a writer.

It’s reminded me of what’s truly important in life, and it’s forced me to reign it in and publish only what is really important for my career because I simply don’t want to make the time to write everything anymore, not with two little kids and one chance to be mom.

Ironically, this blog is a little bit of everything on this subject—but my goal and intention here is to open up some discussions between writers and the blogging community as a whole, because this is the reality of being a writer in this modern age.

Self-publishing, blogging and connecting with readers on social media are ginormous parts of the life of a writer who wants to share her work in a public manner.

Still, the writers that I keep coming back to read again and again are those who give me insights into myself by sharing little snippets of their own discoveries, whether fictionally or not.

After all, we are not writers because we are gifted with words; we are writers because we are gifted with observation.

Photo: Flickr/Drew Coffman.

The post Why Writers Shouldn’t Write Every Story. first appeared on Jennifer S. White.