My baby turned one-and-a-half yesterday.

It felt like a big deal, even though it was a relatively typical Saturday, only with chocolate cupcakes for dessert.

My oldest recently turned 5-and-a-half, and since she has a summer birthday, we brought a hot-pink box of sprinkle-topped cupcakes into school to celebrate on her half-birthday. So the half-birthday party was born.

This previous week has been a long one for us. My husband worked a lot, and several nights leading up to this 18-months milestone were the kind when I have to consciously wait until an appropriate time to pour a glass of wine.

One evening at dinner, I sat across from my oldest in her chair and my “baby” in her highchair. My husband wasn’t home yet. The baby started playing with her food, and my oldest mimicked her. It was truthfully innocent on her part, since her little sister imitates her all the time. However, I asked her not to because her sister is watching, and using her good examples for clues on how to behave, and to learn in general.

And then I stopped. I momentarily braked from my over-time parenting role—lately, this feeling of having to always be “on” with my kids; of not having enough time to not be “mom.” I paused, and I just let myself take in how these two little girls are playing together—how despite their age difference, they’ve become good friends.

It hit me suddenly how much pressure my 5-year-old has on her, now that she’s a big sister.

Things that used to be thoughtlessly easy for me are now big deals. Grocery store trips, random errands, getting my allergy shots, and even going to the zoo—these used to be activities that were special, maybe, or somewhat tedious, but it was a completely different animal with only one kid to bring along with me everywhere, instead of two.

It feels like, in some ways, my oldest gets the short end of the stick. Like how we go out to lunch less—okay, never. Or how we go to the zoo a little less frequently. Or how, if I can, I wait for their dad, and we all go to the grocery store together on the weekends.

She’s the big-sister example.

To be fair, my child likes this. She’s a natural little teacher and leader, and she enjoys showing her sister how to do things, and even how to say things. (FYI, watching a 5-year-old use clear diction and over-pronunciation to help out a baby sibling is perhaps the cutest thing ever.)

It’s not the baby’s fault either—don’t get me wrong. Still, life shifts and transitions when we add new people into a small family unit—and that’s a lot of pressure for a little kid.

While older siblings are known sociologically as over-achievers, it’s more commonly accepted that this is because we’re more able to be helicopter-style parents with them—rotating and swirling around our first-born’s every need and concern. Yet if a child is an older sibling, than they clearly have a younger one, and not only are they by default usurped, but they then become known as the family-child-head—this leading example—even if they still grow to be more deprived of this aforementioned over-attention.

I can’t help that my oldest daughter is an “oldest.” I don’t want to–I wanted a sibling for her, and she loves having a sister. But as we sat at our dinner table the other night, I couldn’t help noticing her laugh; her dimples that show only when she’s smiling the hardest.

After a day of of going to the zoo, and getting ice cream, and doing a bunch of things to celebrate some finally-warm, sunny weather, my kids were happy—genuinely, kid, it’s-summer-in-the-air-smile happy, and I dogeared my heart to remember that my oldest is still a freaking kid.

Even if she is an exceptionally good one.

Even if she’s an effortlessly good big sister.

Even if suddenly a half-a-year slips by, and they’re both growing up so fast.

The post My Oldest Is the Big-Sister Example, but She’s Still a Little Kid. first appeared on Jennifer S. White.

Helping children adjust to a new baby.

My daughter was four years old when her new sister arrived.

Needless to say, she had a lot of adjusting to do, since she’d been the only child around our house for quite sometime: four years.

People told me things like, “She won’t even remember what it was like before her sister, when she gets older,” and other similar tales of “she’ll get over it; used to it.”

But I know better.

I have pretty vivid memories from before one years old and extremely vivid memories from two and on—and my daughter displays what’s likely a much better memory than mine.

So when our new baby arrived and my daughter was visibly upset, I ached—and I was disappointed for her, and for me.

However, the baby is now four months old and these two are already showing signs of close sisterhood. (I’m relieved, but I do know that we still have a ways to go.) That said, I’d like to share with you the three top things that have helped our household grow closer, and more naturally loving, during this time of adjustment.

1. Communicate.

Talk with your child about her feelings.

Ask her about how she’s feeling and then only listen. Children (and people) can take awhile to formulate themselves into words. Don’t try to pretend that you know how she feels. Do tell her how you feel too, in order to open up this channel of communication.

I’ve told my daughter honest things, like how I miss our time together and how I’m aware that the baby takes up much of my time. I’ve told her that big people have difficulty with these types of feelings, much less little people. Remember to never belittle her feelings because of her size. As I’ve already shared, I have strong memories of my own early childhood—emotions included—and, if anything, kids don’t possess the tools that grown-ups do to healthfully cope.

Give her the tools.

A favorite thing that my daughter and I do together is “belly breathing.”

 2. Don’t force contact.

One of the biggest mistakes that I witness is parents pushing their children to interact.

For one, teaching children to interact when they don’t want to is essentially teaching them to not go with their instincts. I never, for example,  make my daughter give people kisses or hugs, whether it be myself or our new baby.

So you want the perfect photo? Well then wait with a camera close by for that interaction when it arrives in its own time. I am not a psychologist or a physician, but I do believe fully in this.

I did not force my oldest daughter to hug or kiss or even sit with the baby (even though people asked repeatedly for pictures displaying things like this), but now they cuddle nearly all the time. Just today, my older daughter didn’t even want the baby to go down for her nap because she wanted to kiss her some more.

It will happen—and it will be so much better when it happens on its on. Give it time and space.

 3. Have dates with older children.

This is, I think, one of the most important things.

Keep in mind that, especially if you’re a nursing mother like I am, then the baby is with you pretty much non-stop. Yes, it’s important to get back to having a relationship with your spouse, but it’s also crucial to set up special dates for older children.

One day, I had my parents over and left the baby with them and took my daughter out for cupcakes and to the toy store for some stickers and art supplies. We were gone, including driving time, for no longer than an hour—and she and I both had an amazing experience.

The date before that was our first one, and I took my little girl to get new shoes—she wanted to sleep in them and she’s worn them every day since—because, yes, these shoes are cool, but, more, they remind her of her mommy’s love.

Again, I’m not a professional counselor, and I honestly don’t even like parental advice. Why? Because the best professional for your child is you.

We know our kids better than anyone.

And the above offerings aren’t meant to suggest that we should ignore the new baby.

While I realize completely that a new baby, physically well cared for, isn’t necessarily ignored, it’s important to remember that even new babies need more than diaper changes and feedings. They need eye contact and belly nuzzles and hand holding and hugs.

It’s important, also, that my older child sees me nurturing the new baby, so that she sees a shining example of how to caress and care for her.

So, I trusted my gut to help me handle this extremely important situation, of bringing a new baby into our family while simultaneously protecting my older daughter’s feelings—and I’m so grateful.

Because every day we’re moving closer and closer to that tight-knit family I had envisioned.

The post 3 Tips: How to Deal with Sibling Jealousy When the New Baby Arrives. first appeared on Jennifer S. White.