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Our lives are not the same, and neither are our worries.
I see how you fear that you aren’t capable of being a good mom. I feel all good moms fear this, too.
We wonder if we will be able to deal with the challenges, and the largest truth is that we are braver than we think and more human — and in need of asking for help — as well.
I know you have people surrounding you cheering and congratulating, and you deserve this. I don’t think those surrounding you, who are already in the throes of dirty diapers and little kid cuddles, can adequately describe to you why we are so elated.
I know you see my own stress, and the circles under my eyes. You might be eager for a few parent challenges of your own, but you, understandably, don’t want the way I can’t finish sentences when my kids are running circles around our feet as we talk.
I want to tell you that these tiny feet have worn more tracks over my heart than anything or anyone else — nothing has so clearly foot-marked a path of easy love, or difficulty, or gratitude and change; no one besides these tiny soles have quite altered me with such precision.
The biggest change so far has been accepting that I can’t control everything. The biggest revelation has been acknowledging that I’m glad I can’t.
I might change some things if I could. I might make hurdles move out of the way of these tiny feet — but these are their lives, not mine, and I’m more grateful than I can explain to you to simply be a part of it.
Becoming a part of someone else’s life, on a daily basis, day in and day out, and knowing the smallest of details about one another holds so much magic. Love exists like never before when we are see-through to someone else, and when they are transparent with us. I know it feels scary, vulnerable and raw to love this way, but that’s why this love is like no other.
I know you don’t know exactly what the future holds, but the real secret is that none of us do.
I won’t pretend that each day is an easy one, or even that most of them are; loving and caring for children is complex and simple all at once — it’s not something we can place into perfect words, it’s something we live imperfectly.
I’m so, so ecstatic for you.
I’m so ready to see the wondrous look on your face while you watch your coming little one see and hold and know things for the first time. I’m so ready to watch your face light up with this kind of love that I talk about, because I can’t tell you how motherhood feels from the inside (and that parents joke about, because we need to know that other people, too, are going through this mad chaos and this exaggerated love).
You will be the best mom.
Your child is lucky.
I’m so happy for you. (And I promise I’ll remind you of this when you need to hear it again, when you’re tired and have your own under-eye circles, and I promise also that I’ll mostly just listen.)
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”Rain, after all is only rain; it is not bad weather. So also, pain is only pain; unless we resist it, then it becomes torment.”
~ the I Ching
Pregnancy is often portrayed as an illness.
Pregnancy “symptoms” fill our Google searches and horrific movie labor scenes, our brains.
Yet being pregnant is glorious—it’s something to worship and feel reverent and excited about—not nervous and annoyed with.
And it’s true—it’s absolutely true that it comes with bodily side effects, changes and new experiences.
I’m within my second pregnancy and, already, it’s nothing like my first, but there is one thing that’s exactly the same—my enjoyment of what I’m moving through.
Yes, I have nausea (although not as badly as my first) and fatigue (a little more challenging with a toddler hugging my legs), but I’m also feeling my abdomen swell—and my heart swell too—because growing a tiny human within your own being is nothing short of miraculous and blissful.
So here are a few of the lesser discussed pregnancy “symptoms:”
1. A total captivation with the perfect person being created, without an official introduction.
2. A fun obsession with saying names you like aloud when no one else is around; noticing the way it rolls off your tongue and the way it chimes with your last name.
3. Placing hands over expanding belly and knowing that the impressive growth of your beating heart is what you should be measuring.
4. Some might say you glow because a pregnant body produces 50 percent more blood—you say it’s because you’ve never been happier in your life.
5. Does it really matter if you’re bloated? There’s a person inside of you.
6. There’s no complete way to describe the elation a mother feels when she hears her baby’s heart beat for the first time at the doctor’s office.
7. You might feel exhausted during your first trimester, but, hey, your body is also developing a placenta to nourish and support your baby while you share your body.
8. Not every pregnancy is wonderful—just like not every delivery or early parenting experience is easy—but the reverse of this is true: some of us like being pregnant.
So, expectant mamas, know that we’re not all doomed to agonizing over every physical change, and, equally, that labor isn’t always like the movies.
Actually, I was in labor with my first child and didn’t even realize it because I anticipated the screaming and drama I’d witnessed in films.
Nope, my labor didn’t look like wailing; rather it was more like grilling dinner outside with my husband and taking recycling to the drop-off center and, when my water broke in what is apparently a more typical movie-like gush, I took a shower and calmly packed my bags afterward. (I actually tried to go back to sleep, as it happened in the middle of the night.)
And, who knows, maybe this time around will be vastly different—I’m definitely going into this with a wide-open heart and mind—but I’m taking with me the knowledge of generations of women before me, and of friends and their unique stories too.
Because pregnancy is not an illness and it’s not something to complain about and seek sympathy for.
Each and every individual on this planet, past and present, is an added piece of a rich history of pregnancy and childbirth and humanity, and, because the loudest, squeakiest wheel frequently gets the cliched grease, we hear too much about the difficulties and trials—and too little about the joyful, round women walking among us.
There are many who have smooth, uncomplicated pregnancies with nothing but pure awe pouring out of our hearts and mouths (when people ask us how we are)—although this isn’t to pretend that there aren’t occasional grievances or disruptions, but for many of us, these aren’t the focus.
Like life, attention can be mindfully given to all of the benefits happening inside of your world—and your body—during pregnancy.
“Giving birth should be your greatest achievement not your greatest fear.”
~ Jane Weideman
Photo: TipsTimesAdmin/Flickr.
This article was first published by elephant journal.
The post Pregnancy Isn’t Something to Complain About: 8 Empowering Reminders. first appeared on Jennifer S. White.
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When Jennifer and I first started to become friends, our plans to chat were often pushed off by the busyness that all of us deal with—especially moms.
It’s something I think we often do as women: we save what we need for last when, really, to be more effective caregivers, we need to attend to ourselves first.
Think about the oxygen masks on an airplane. They always instruct you to take your own before you help someone else.
It’s not my analogy, but it’s one I’ve read a few times and it always resonated with me. If we don’t take care of ourselves, eventually we will have nothing left to give. The time I take for myself (especially as an introverted parent)makes all the difference in how well I take care of my kids.
So here is my list: 25 things all moms need to do to recharge. ~ Kate Bartolotta
1. Take five minutes to meditate, twice a day. Longer if you can, but even five is tremendously helpful.
2. Read an article that just interests you. Not a parenting article. Not something for work. Not recipes. Not relationship advice. Just something that intrigues the you underneath all that.
3. Keep and/or cultivate friendships with your child-free friends. It’s hard sometimes, but it’s good for both their friendship and the perspective.
4. Spend a third five-minute burst (or 20 minutes when you can find it) with your tea or coffee and your journal. Even if you don’t consider yourself a “writer” it’s good to have a place to put your thoughts where you don’t have to re-frame them or edit them for anyone else’s consumption.
5. Once in awhile, stay out too late and behave inappropriately. You know, not so bad you end up in jail, but bad enough that you wouldn’t want your mom in on it.
6. Soak in the bath. Make it as hot as possible; salts or bubbles optional.
7. Get a tattoo. Somewhere you get to choose who you share it with, something that’s meaningful to you.
8. Play Robot Unicorn Attack. Okay, if that’s not your cup of tea, choose anything silly, frivolous and of no use to anyone to do for a few minutes. Enjoy thoroughly.
9. Ask for help. Learn what the halo of the onset of that overwhelmed feeling looks like and ask for help before you are depleted.
10. Go skinny dipping at least once a summer.
11. Pause. Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat. (I stole this one from Jenn. It’s that important.)
12. Let your phone go to voicemail at night. It can wait.
13. Get up and watch the sunrise at least once a month.
14. Take a few pictures of your child or children sleeping peacefully. You will need that reminder sometimes.
15. Read Neruda, preferably a sonnet, when you get up in the morning. Or read it to someone you love before you go to sleep.
16. Watch Moulin Rouge and sigh about true love (and Ewan MacGregor and Nicole Kidman and the beautiful sets and costumes and El Tango de Roxanne).
17. Read The Little Prince, for the child that’s still inside you.
18. Read Little Birds, because you’re a grown woman.
19. Eat with your hands—it isn’t just for kids. Pomegranate, mango, blackberries. Let yourself slow down and enjoy.
20. Pay attention to how your body feels before you answer “yes” or “no” to doing something. It’s okay to say no when it’s what you really mean.
21. Stay up and watch the sunrise with someone you love to talk to.
22. Write! Keeping a journal is like writing your own history.
23. Go out with friends that make you laugh so hard you cry. (And skip the “friends” that do the mean girl, competitive mom or gossip thing. High school is over.)
24. Make a wish. Use a star, a wishing well, a four-leaf-clover, 11:11. Keep that whimsical place in your heart that allows for wishing.
25. Lay down in the grass in the middle of the day and look at the sky.
It’s absolutely true that there’s no better job in the world than being a mama.
Hands down, it’s the most rewarding—yet demanding—career path that a woman could follow.
Thankfully, there are plenty of rejuvenating things that mothers can do for themselves when they need a pick-me-up, be it large or small.
Here’s my little list—from my mother’s heart to yours. ~ Jennifer S. White.
1. Spend time with a girlfriend talking about your deepest thoughts and feelings—and then listen to hers.
2. Paint your nails—yourself (moving meditation in action).
3. Get a massage—regularly.
4. Sleep in.
5. Wake up early—by yourself.
6. Dance without music.
7. Read a book that opens your mind.
8. Read a book that opens your heart.
9. Learn how to say “no”—and then do it.
10. Yet remember when it’s important to say “yes”—for you.
11. Share dessert with someone you love (friend, lover, child or furbaby).
12. Take a yoga class. (Bonus points: a different style than you usually practice.)
13. Look in the mirror and tell yourself—out loud—that you are the most beautiful woman in the world. (Repeat as often as necessary.)
14. Think of one thing that you’ve wanted to do for a long time and have put off for others, and then make steps to doing it now.
15. Buy yourself a piece of jewelry.
16. Wish on the first star you see tonight.
17. Take a book to bed—in the middle of the day.
18. Have a girls night out that extends beyond 10 o’clock.
19. Learn to ask for help before you desperately need it. (Good for the entire family.)
20. Pause. Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.
21. If you don’t have much “alone time” during your day then make sure to look up at the sky and drink in the beauty and joy of your life—nothing lasts forever. Enjoy it—all of it.
22. Buy a new CD or download a new album—new as in contemporary/current—and listen to the entire thing without stopping it once.
23. Smile. That’s right—right now—smile. Hold it….hoooooold it.
24. Take a pottery class. (For me, personally, see # 14.)
25. Write your own list—every damn day.
Photo: Hans Splinter/Flickr.
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